07/23/12 - 416 lbs. I am writing this post for the second time today, my computer ate my first one. I belong to an online community called Spark People that is geared towards a healthy fit life. One of the teams I belong to is the chair exercise team. Of all my teams I'm on, by far this one is the best at keeping us challenged to move in different ways and tracking what we do. The two leaders of this team must spend hours findings us resources, and coming up with different challenges. Yesterday they came up with 2 new challenges. the first one we will talk about some other day. the second one was to thank somebody who makes a difference in your life in some significant way. I thought that was a really good idea so I posted a thank you on one of their Spark pages. Well I got a message back thank me but also thanking me that she had a feeling I was asking for help. I was shocked! As I wrote her back, I realized that I am terrified that I am going to fail. My dinner was done first last night so I started eating. Naturally I finished first. As I sat there watching mom and dad eat their dinner I realized I could still have eaten both of the portions on their plate and then have dessert. I have been doing this since March and I'm still one bite away from a binge. Considering that I have never been successful at anything I do that really terrifies me. This journey is a journey to change my life, and it is going to take a very long time. I know there will be bumps in the road, but I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. I really really want to get to a weight and fitness level that I can live the 80/20 rule. 80% healthy living 20% indulgence. That way on Holiday's or Super Bowl Sunday I don't fell bad about easting something in moderation.
I really only know this, I really really am scared I'm going to fail. I'm going to quit today, but I'm scared I'm going to fail.
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