Easy Answers?

07/31/12 - 415lbs   There are a lot of days when I just don't feel like moving. I know these are the days that it's the most important for me to move,but that doesn't make it any easier. I realized the other day that when I was at the Dr.'s office and everybody was so happy about my weight loss, that I was happy because they were happy, not that I was happy for myself. What really bothers me is  if I had a friend tell me they had lost 90 lbs. I would be excited for them. Why can't I be excited for myself? Why can I be such a good friend/supporter to somebody else but not to myself? I Can feel sadness, loneliness, anger, even emptiness, so why can't I feel happiness with myself? My mom says I frown a lot, and I accuse my daughter of being a pit of negativity. I don't realize I'm frowning. Did  Connie get her negativity from me? Are there ever any easy answers?

Doctors

07/30/12 - 417lbs   Have I said lately how much I hate Dr's. Mine is screwing around with my medicine and I gain 3 three pounds in two days, and then never calls in the one prescription I'm out of. this was after I told the nurse and him a that I was OUT of the medicine and I absolutely had to have a refill. They called me at home and said they only wanted to fill it for one month but that they would send it over to the pharmacy. Did that happen? NO OF COURSE NOT. I am SO ANGRY. If I overeat and gain weight that's one thing, I can only get pissed at myself, but I'm not overeating, yesterday I ate 1427 calories. I HATE DR's!

What Ifs?

07/29/12 -  415lbs    One of the biggest parts of this journey is learning how to beat the demons. There are the ones that say eat more it will be okay, snack on this just a little won't hurt, (that's a super duper dangerous one, I can eat anything in moderation as long as I am eating whats good for me 80% of the time.) The demons version of a little bit and a healthy serving size are vastly different.Then there are the what if's demons. What if you never lose all the weight? What if you lose the weight and you still can't move around because of your ankles? What if you lose all the weight and your anxiety kicks in and you still don't leave the house? What if  you put all this weight all back on? What if I never learn how to tell these demons to go to hell?

Happy Lungs Happy Kidneys

07/28/12 - 414lbs.   I got my blood test results back yesterday. First, why is it when the news isn't perfect, it's the Dr.that calls? Second, why do they always start with the good news? That implies that that there is bad news, and I would rather get that news first and deal with it. Turns out that my kidneys are getting dried out from the diuretics I'm on. All I need to do cut 2 of my medicines in half for the next few days and get another blood test. He doesn't think it's the beginning of kidney disease and that's good. It also means that I'm not retaining as much fluid as I used to and that's even better. So the trick now is to find the right balance of medicine that keeps both my lungs and my kidneys happy. My hardest job is trying to split this one pill in half lol.

Cheerng Section

07/27/12 - 416lbs      I went to my Dr.'s appointment yesterday and my nurse practitioner popped in and raved about how much weight I have lost. Then Drew popped in laughing and told me Mary was running around the office telling everybody that she had this patient who had lost 90 pounds since March. It was really cool to be the person they were talking about, but it really seemed surreal. When I got home and told my Mom, her response was typical Mom,"well it's do or die." Kind of a bummer after all the enthusiasm at the office. On the other hand, I will never get a big head as long as Mom is around.

Happy Birthday Mom

07/26/12 - 415lbs  Happy Birthday Mom! Today I get to see a Dr. but not my regular nurse practitioner. When I made the appointment they gave me to somebody new.This could be a good thing, because my normal lady isn't the most proactive or aggressive person practicing medicine. She brings a whole new meaning to laid back. So seeing somebody new might be a good thing, but it's definitely a nerve wracking thing. The 4 day trip to Kansas is getting closer and closer so the nerves are starting in about that. I know I can do it, I'm just scared I won't. I have got to figure out a way to stop worrying all the time. It can't be good for me.

Long Roads

07/25/12 -415lbs  This morning I feel like there is no hope for success. I look at at the number 415 and it is so big. I know it's a long way from 505, but it's further away from 190. I haven't even lost a hundred pounds yet and I still have 225 pounds to go.I would give anything to be one of those people who have 20 pounds to lose. it's so hard to move when my hip or knee or back is killing me. I want to do so many things, but I don't have enough stamina to go into a store and buy my Mom a birthday card. She deserves so much more than that, but I can't even do that.

Challenge 1

07/24/12 - 416lbs  Yesterday, I posted about two of the challenges the chair team leaders came up with for us this week. The first one was to stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself to find something you loved about yourself. Some people found this very easy to do, but most of us really struggled with it. I know I had a really hard time with this. I don't like what I see in the mirror. I am surprised every time I catch a glimpse of myself. I can be really feeling god that day, thinking I look nice and then, wham, I see a reflection of myself somewhere. In my head I'm fat, but not this fat. I know we are supposed to focus on non-scale victories rather than a number on a little screen, but really? I am doing two sets of two stairs in my forty five minute workout. Mom and Dad feel confident enough to go away for 4 days in Aug. and Sept.. As happy as I am about those things, it doesn't eliminate the shock when you catch a glimpse at yourself. I can't seem to wrap my head around loving something that is this big. I know I'm a good person, and there is a lot about myself that I wouldn't change. Having said that, there is almost nothing on the outside I want to keep. When you're working to change yourself and you know it's a going to be a long journey, how do I learn to love myself, when I can't look at myself?

Fear of Failure

07/23/12 - 416 lbs.  I am writing this post for the second time today, my computer ate my first one. I belong to an online community called Spark People that is geared towards a healthy fit life. One of the teams I belong to is the chair exercise team. Of all my teams I'm on, by far this one is the best at keeping us challenged to move in different ways and tracking what we do. The two leaders of this team must spend hours findings us resources, and coming up with different challenges. Yesterday they came up with 2 new challenges. the first one we will talk about some other day. the second one was to thank somebody who makes a difference in your life in some significant way. I thought that was a really good idea so I posted a thank you on one of their Spark pages. Well I got a message back thank me but also thanking me that she had a feeling I was asking for help. I was shocked! As I wrote her back, I realized that I am terrified that I am going to fail. My dinner was done first last night so I started eating. Naturally I finished first. As I sat there watching mom and dad eat their dinner I realized I could still have eaten both of the portions on their plate and then have dessert. I have been doing this since March and I'm still one bite away from a binge. Considering that I have never been successful at anything I do that really terrifies me. This journey is a journey to change my life, and it is going to take a very long time. I know there will be bumps in the road, but I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. I really really want to get to a weight and fitness level that I can live the 80/20 rule. 80% healthy living 20% indulgence. That way on Holiday's or Super Bowl Sunday I don't fell bad about easting something in moderation.
  I really only know this, I really really am scared I'm going to fail. I'm going to quit today, but I'm scared I'm going to fail.

Adventures with Advil

07/22/12 - 418lbs   I haven't made a comment on my weight in weeks. I wanted to stop focusing so much on what the number that day was. For the most part I would say this hasn't worked for me because I do look at that number every day. It's always in the back of my mind.I skipped my meds the night of my sleep study for obvious reasons, and I gained two pounds the next day. I kept on  keeping on and lowered my calorie count slightly the nest day. It took two days, but I lost the two pounds again. So last night when I went to bed I knew I had done a really good job of managing everything that day. I had done two sets of stairs twice and I was really happy with that. I had skipped the pancakes and sausage for supper and had my turkey sandwich instead. So I knew I had had a good day....right up until the moment my back started hurting. Now the term hurting does nothing to describe the agony I was in. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and I had to use the bathroom bad! I made it to the bathroom and another wave of pain hit. It literally took me fifteen minutes to get back to bed. Sooo I made the choice to take some advil. It worked the pain went away enough so that I got a little sleep. The pain started to come back around 3:30 this morning so I took some more. The end result? I gained almost 2 pounds.

The Biggest Loser

07/21/12 -417lbs  It's the weekend. It's funny how even if you're not working you look forward to the weekend. I have been watching seasons 1-3 of the biggest loser. I think they have the advantage of having a personal trainer and being pushed beyond normal limits, but I think I have the advantage of learning to do this in the real world. We have company over, I can't always control what I eat, but I do learn how to eat in moderation. I have had so many people tell me they wish I could go to the ranch. I understand that they are wishing an opportunity for better health on me, but at the same time I want to learn to be successful here. I also don't have a competitive bone in my body and I would hate to try to decide who deserved to stay and who didn't.

Apology

0720/12 -  419lbs    So today I'm going to apologize for a couple of my last posts. I do not apologize for saying what I said, I meant every word and more. I do however, apologize for the way I said it. Looking at them again, the language I used was not the best choice. I'm sorry. It has been a very rough week, not only with the sleep study, but it seems all of my friends are super busy with their own lives right now. I totally get it, it just sucks especially when this is the week i could really use someone to talk to.

Hell

07/19/12 - 420lbs  It's over, it was hell and I will never do another one with out medication!

Whats Normal?

07/18/12 -417lbs     Well I didn't die and unless a miracle happens between now and 8:30 pm I get to enter the gates of hell and do this damn sleep study. My doctor wont prescribe anything but she doesn't want to interfere with the sleep study. Who cares if I'm crying nonstop, or throwing up after every meal, so long as there isn't any interference with the sleep study. I know normal is different for everybody, but is this anything close to normal? Am I fucking crazy? I have no idea any more what anything close to normal looks like. 20 -30 wires attached to you, 2 straps around you, and a camera watching you all night is normal? But anti anxiety medicine would screw up normal results. How is any of this normal? Strange bed, Strange routine. enough wires to build a tension bridge, cameras and people watching you, none of that will result in a abnormal test result, but something to help you stop crying and throwing up? Well, that would just screw up the test. As far as I'm concerned the ENTIRE medical community can go to hell.

Sleep Study

07/17/12 - 471lbs         So I found out yesterday that I have to have my sleep study done Wed. night. I cannot begin to explain how much I do not want to do this study. They are horrible! There are wires and bands everywhere on you, you are watched all night long, they want you to sleep on your back and I can't breath on my back. I sooooooo don't want to do this. I really would rather die than go through another sleep study .Nobody understands how bad it is. They turn the lights out at nine thirty and expect you to fall asleep. I'm lucky if I can fall asleep before midnight. Every time you have to go the bathroom you have to ask them to unplug you..... I go five to nine times a night. Please God let me die and not have to do this.  what's really sad is that I mean every word I just wrote. I can't see it because I'm crying to hard, but I really would rather give up life than do this stupid sleep study.

Working Through the Pain

07/16/12 - 417lbs  So after a very blue day yesterday, today everybody seems to be in a little better mood. Everybody I talked to yesterday was having an off day. I am so tired of being hot and sweaty in places other people never seat. I am trying to figure out how much weight I have to lose before my thighs see the light of day again. This just one of those days where I am tired of being layers  on top of  layers of fat. I know I am more than that, but it doesn't feel like it. The more I try to do, the more pain I'm in. It's not little aches it's pain. I have had the same back pain for over 7 weeks. It gets so bad at night I'm crying. This shit will take your breathe away it hurts so bad. Ok I'm done bitching.

Random Thoughts

07/15/12 -420lbs  I really don't have much to say today. We said good bye to Jen and the Boys this morning. It was nice to see them after so long. I guess I'm a little depressed today. Having to say good bye always sucks and I have done A LOT  of that in the last 6 months. Even thought I'm going upstairs more now, my breathing seems to be getting worse. I seem to be having more and more random pain. I really don't know whats going on. oh well today is not the day I quit.

Camp

07/14/12  - 421lbs.  Today Jen and the boys come back. They will be here until tomorrow, then they have have to get back to Kansas so the boys can go to science camp. I remember one day camp I went to when I was their age was art camp. Now I have zero talent but Miss Fair was the teacher, and she was so awesome. She let us play with clay! It was so cool. I wanted to make a turtle votive holder soooo bad and she helped me. It exploded so many times in the Kiln, I think it took us four tries. I had that turtle for years. Miss Fair was one of the adults who really seemed to enjoy being around me. She always made me feel so good about myself. She taught me to love reading, and that in art class purple peas are fun and interesting lol. I hope the boys have as much fun in science camp. Jen and Andrew have been unwavering in their support and belief that I can accomplish my life change.

Pain

07/13/12 - 421lbs. Ouch!!! Followed immediately by the thought, I'm going to throw up. That was was me this morning at 1:48. I have no idea what or how I hurt my hip/thigh, but whatever I did, My leg did not appreciate it. So with sharp shooting pain going through my leg, I sat on the edge of the bed trying to breathe. Now a normal person would take something for the pain, not me. I waited til after I got on the scale this morning before I took something. I didn't want to retain any more fluid before I got on the scale.

Nerves?

07/12/12 - 421lbs  It's amazing when you don't feel good, how difficult everything is. I can normally get ready eat breakfast and do my daily heart survey in less than 45 min. today it took me an hour and 20 minutes. So today is therapy day, always nerve wracking. I don't really know why I get all twisted in knots every time I have an appointment, but no matter how many times I go, I do. I don't know whats wrong with me today.

A Victory

07/11/12 - 421lbs. So, weird dreams, different reactions than what I expected, super generous friends,and success being on my own for 2 days. It has been an interesting 48 hours. I have found that I'm not used to the silence and the emptiness anymore. It was good to experience it again. I found that I could resist the call of the Kitchen, but it was a challenge. I'm really glad that Mom and Dad had the opportunity to get away for a day. Even though it has been a week filled with challenges and changed routines, and had the potential to go very very wrong, it went much better than I expected. I lost 6 pounds in seven days, and i'm very happy about that. I haven't had that much success in a while.

Filled with Anxiety

07/10/2012 - 421lbs.  I really wish that fear and anxiety wouldn't rule my life. It seems like a large percentage of my life  is taken up with anxiety, and I know this, but I can't stop it. My sleep Doctor told me I needed to do something about it. Easy to say, but really? What am I supposed to do.? On a totally different topic, today is day two of being on my own. So far so good, but it's still early in the day. I have been going up and down the stairs 3-6 times a day. I'm really proud of that.

Independance

07/09/12 - 422lbs.   Well today is a big day. the second set of company comes and then Mom and Dad are going to Breckenridge til Wednesday. So this will be my first test of being on my own. I am nervous but I really want to prove to myself and everybody else that I can do it. Say a prayer I know I will be.

It's My Birthday.

07/08/12 - 422lbs    It's my Birthday!!! I am officially old. But I kept my weight under control, and I'm very happy about that. I wish Connie Rose could have been here. It always amazes me how much I miss her. But other than that I had a great day. I went up and down the stairs 6 times yesterday. So far today I have gone up and down 4. Making progress! I think on that note I'm going stop for the day.

Friends

07/07/12  - 422lbs  Yesterday I felt like a second class citizen, today I decided enough is enough. It's hard when you are having a bad day, and your best friend is to busy to talk. (not you Sue) Your other best friend is having a horrible day herself, and your daughter is also having a down day.  The lesson here is to pick yourself up and give yourself a good shake and keep going. Today we are celebrating my birthday. I think I chose the wrong dessert. It is a first time recipe for us, although it had great reviews online. As Mom was making it we decided that the recipe needed tweaking. So we modified the crust quite a bit. We'll see how it tastes. Mom doesn't think the boys will eat it at all.

Life Sucks

07/06/12     So I went to the Dr. and it sucked. On the way there, I found out that not only was everybody (but me) going bowling this afternoon, but they were also going to an Italian Restaurant after. My Mom cheerfully announces that I have nothing to worry about, there are plenty of leftovers I can have for dinner. Now, I actually really like leftovers most of the time, but gee, I also really like Italian food. After we got home, my brother says that there are usually leftovers from the boys and I can have some of that? Okay I get that I'm a bitch today, but can somebody please tell me why I am suddenly only worth leftovers? My Dad's only comment was well Lisa you did this to yourself. I know he's right but that does not make it suck any less!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to throw something or tell the whole world to go to hell.

Dr.'s

07/06/12  - 423lbs   Well It's Friday again, only today I have my Dr appointment with my sleep Dr for the first time. I am so scared I could puke. I hate going to Dr.'s they never have good news. they just scare me. I've had Dr's tell me the only way I'm going to lose this weight is to have surgery and even then I would probably put it back on. I've had them tell me I should not eat carbs or any food that's white. What? That's a balanced diet. I hate waiting room chairs, I just hate the unknown. here goes nothing.

Blank mind

07/05/12 - 424lbs  I really don't have much to say today. Have a good day.

The 4th Part 2

07/04/12  Part 2  So once again I smile and wave goodby as everybody goes off to have a good time. I mean sure I can walk to the fireworks, not. Once again I am on the outside looking in. I am so tired of that. I know that is one of the things  I'm working on, but that doesn't help right now. It sucks to constantly sit at home while everybody else does fun stuff. Is that anybody other than me fault? Nope it's all my doing. I am the one that ate myself up to 505 lbs. Am I working on changing yes! Does that help me at all right now? Not one little bit.But tonight is not the night I quit!

4th Of July

07/04/12 424lbs.   Happy 4th Of July. Well C-day has arrived, it's T minus seven hours till touchdown. It was another sleepless night, I wish I knew what caused the itching. I'm pretty convinced it's anxiety related because nothing gets rid of it. So I'm stressed out, tired, and pretty grumpy. I know I should explore all of those feelings but quite frankly, I'm tired, grumpy and it's the Fourth of July. Happy Birthday America. God Bless All of the Men and Women Who are Serving or Have Served Our Country! Thank You doesn't seem like enough.

Lifes' Hurdles

0703/12  425lbs  I just want to say again, that I have the best friends and family in the world. They are not afraid to kick my butt when I'm slacking, they cheer me on daily, and sometimes hourly, they have an wavering faith that I can do this. When Sue read my blog she googled mapped my Dr,s office so I could see the layout and have some clue as what it looked like. So that is one less thing  I have to worry about. Tomorrow is the big day. The crew will be here sometime around dinnertime.again, if I think about it to much I will start hyperventilating. Unfortunately there is no google cure for that anxiety. Oh well, this journey is all about learning different coping skills for life's hurdles.

Anxiety

0702/12 - 425lbs   The major case of nerves I have been having has turned into a full fledged anxiety attack. I feel sick to my stomach, (I need grammer check) I can't catch my breath, I'm dizzy, it's crazy. I'm fine unless I start thinking about the Dr's appointment. This is just stacking up to be a bad week, my Mom is on her way to her Dr. to get her looked at finally. If the Dr. tells her not to use it she is going to have a fit. She has to many things on her list that aren't done yet. As the the saying goes....If Momma ain't Happy ain't nobody Happy. She looks forward to these visits and wants everything to be perfect. So I have to get my anxiety under control, we can't have two freaked out women in the same house.

Skipping Lunch

07/01/12 - 427lbs.  So, my assignment from Drew was to skip my noontime meal and describe what hunger feels like. Umm, I have to say I didn't really experience all that much. I had a little panic at 10:30 this morning when I decided to do this, but other than that I experienced very little. My stomach had a small ache and a few rumbles, I burped a couple of times and that is about it. Pretty anti climatic all in all. The important part to me is that I did follow through with my assignment. So the company countdown continues, as well as my Mom's swollen arm.(She has finally decided to call a Dr. tomorrow morning) I have major nerves about this week, company coming, a new Dr. I have to go see, and my birthday. This is going to be a hard week.