Company Coming

06/30/12 - 428  It's a beautiful Saturday morning, and everybody in the house is in "get ready for company" mode. Now I have to say, my Mom and Dad's house is spotless all of the time. Getting ready for Company Mode means cleaning the old wax build up off of the tables and banister. I didn't even know there was wax build up on there lol. Of course my Dad's back is hurting because he is out painting in 96 degree weather, and my Mom's arm is swollen and hurting, and she doesn't want to get it checked. Will they let me do anything to help? Nope. So I sit down here and feel guilty that they are upstairs wearing themselves out. My other family is stressed out because today is moving day for them.....all eight of them,into a motorhome. They are trusting God like not very many can. Again, I am sitting here feeling guilty that I am not helping them. It's very hard to sit on the sidelines and watch friends and family struggle and not be able to help. I am so much better than I was, but I have so far to go and I still depend on everybody for so much. It's hard to not get discouraged.But today is not the day I quit.

Feelings Part 2

06/29/12 -426lbs  I am sort of continuing with what I said yesterday. Ii am so much more mobile now than I was in March. I hope that by October I will be able to get around well enough so I can leave the house. I have found that not leaving the house, seems to make me more sensitive. I get angry when I get leftovers and others go out to eat. My brain understands that going out to eat is a well deserved treat. I understand that my choices are what got me in this predicament in the first place. I understand that I am not being left out. What I don't  understand is why I'm so angry or hurt? The real kicker is when I cook for myself I cook big on the weekend and eat leftovers all week because I like them. This anger and hurt seems to come out of nowhere sometimes and I wish I knew what to do with it. On top of my hyper sensitivity my Mom asked me if I was going to be able to handle the food while they are in Breckenridge. I told her I was 98% sure I would be okay. I'm more worried about all the trips up and down the stairs than I am about the food, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am a little concerned about the food. I also know however that If I blow it, the person I'm hurting the most is me.


P.S. It's Thankful Friday, and I have been blessed with the best friends and family ever!!

Feelings

06/28/12 - 427lbs.  Sitting here thinking about what I feel and trying to identify those emotions isn't easy for me. Since I"m used to eating those emotions away, I have trouble figuring out what is sadness, anger, and fear. They all kind of blend together in my mind, so I'm trying to learn to separate the differences between them. I'm saying this because my birthday is coming up in 10 days, my brother, sister-in-law, and 3 nephews, are coming for a visit, and a childhood friend of my mothers, and her family are also coming. With all of that happening I'm going to be facing a whole new set of challenges, not to mention facing people I have not seen in years. (and many pounds) In my head I know it's unreasonable to be angry and yet that is what this feels like. I am also scared. I am scared about they all are going to think, I am scared about what I'm going to eat, I am scared that people are going to feel sorry for me, or pity me. I'm scared that they are going to tell Mom and Dad this is to much for them. I'm scared they are going to want to put me in a nursing home. I am scared that when everybody goes to Breckenridge I'm going to blow their trust.I also think that all of that fear makes me angry. For so many years I have almost ignored my Birthday, but this year I kind of wanted to celebrate it. With the stress of all the company coming at the same time as my birthday I kind of think my birthday is going to take a backseat. In the grand scheme of things I am okay with that, it is the fact that nobody asked me, I  think that hurts my feelings more than anything. This is hard.


P.S. Drew- How is this for figuring out my feelings?

Want some Cheese with that Whine?

06/27/12 - 428lbs.  I am tired today, I didn't sleep well and I'm sore. It's nothing huge, just general stiffness and dull pains all over. So I am going to whine today. Lol. I am doing this marching challenge for 5 weeks, and it really isn't to bad I only have to march for a little over 3 min. The kicker is I don't have the stamina to stand and march for 3 min. but when I try to sit and march my fat flap is so heavy I can't lift my knees. So I end up kicking instead, now I'm sure that's better than nothing, but, it's not marching. Marching involves a different set of muscles doesn't it? I am really struggling to love myself and my fat today, I'm pretty angry at both myself and my fat right now. I feel like this weight loss task is an impossible one, and I am going to battle this for the rest of my life and I don't know if I can do this forever. Today however, is not the day I quit!

Todays' Mantra

06/26/12 - 429lbs. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says.

Falling down the Rabbit Hole

06/25/12 - 428lbs. New number, good. I keep reading how I am not supposed to be defined by the number on the scale, and I don't understand that. If we are not defined by it, why do we care so much about what the number is?  Some people only weigh themselves at the doctor, some once a week, others everyday. I had a weight watchers instructor  that weighed every piece of clothing including her underwear, and kept the scale right next to her bed. I know it's just a number, and I know it's changing, but it feels like it's ruling my life. I feel like I'm trading food addiction for weight loss addiction. I want to addiction free, healthy, and happy. I feel like Alice when she falls down the rabbit hole....an endless cycle of going around and around. I know that's a terrible analogy and doesn't make sense to anybody but me, but it's how I feel.

Waka Waka

1. 06/24/12 - 429lbs  Back here again. I have fallen in love with with this video on you tube that's a zumba chair exercise video. Waka Waka is so much fun, I have no idea what the song is saying, but you have to move when you hear it. Unfortunately it's the only one like that I can find. All the others just seem lame in comparison. So now I'm searching for a chair zumba video. Maybe I can find something similar with some really upbeat music. I'm still trying to learn to love my fat...not there yet, but I'm trying. I made it upstairs yesterday twice once for dinner and once for supper. I want Mom and Dad to be able to go visit Andrew in August, so I have to show them that I can get around the house okay. Time to zumba.

Not Getting Derailed

06/23/12 -431lbs  Holy cow I'm hating that number. The harder I work at never seeing it again, the more I see it. Weekends used to be fun. They were a time to do something different, see different people, go somewhere different. Now, they are just the same as every other day. It's a little bit sad. Hmmmm.......I seem to be grumpier than I thought I was. Not good, I can't let the scale rule my life like that, it's to easy to get derailed. So it's back to Waka Waka and walking my laps.

Feeding the Hungry Heart

06/22/12 - 429lbs   Better than yesterday. I got the book I ordered yesterday, Feeding the Hungry Heart. It's the best description of an eating binge I have ever seen. the feeling of being compelled to eat "forbidden" foods until it hurts, and than eating some more. I am at the part of the book that teaches you how to make friends with your fat, not an easy thing to do to something you have spent 35 years hating. I created the fat to protect myself from something, and it did it;s job. Now I have to figure out what I needed protection from and face it so the fat can go away, and stay gone.Yeah, this makes chair zumba seem easy. It's Thankful Friday, so I am Thankful I finally seem to have some of the tools I need for this journey. Plus my Mom and Dads' 51st Anniversary is this weekend. That is something at my age I will never accomplish. Way  to go Mom and Dad!

Mountains

06/21/12 - 431lbs.  Isn't that number great....not. Yesterday I got more exercise and ate fewer calories than normal and I gained a 1 1/2lb. Fun. This is what makes this journey interesting. I can get mad, and I am, I can get depressed,which I'm not, or I can keep fighting this battle, which I will. Yesterday my therapist told he he got up at 4am. to go for a mountain run. Now there is a sentence that will never come out of my mouth lol. I mean really, 4am? Mountain run? I can't even picture myself trying to go for a walk in the mountains. Oh well, to each his own, I will keep trying to master chair zumba. The only mountains I want to conquer right now are the scale and my health. The Rockies are safe for the time being.

Summers Here!

06/20/12 - 429lbs  First day of summer, not that it matters much down here in the basement. Seasons stay pretty much the same. Today is Therapy day, always stressful. I always feel like I'm waiting for judgement to be passed. That's why I hate Dr.s and Dentists too. I always feel like I don't measure up.It's always stressful with Mom and Dad too, their fussing and trying to help,but usually not when I need it lol. Oh well onward and upward.

Back on Track

06/19/12 - 431lbs.  Well, that's a little better. Yesterday I got to go upstairs to eat and I could exercise again. I ordered the book Feeding the Hungry Heart to help get a grip on some of these food issues. I hope it helps me as much as I've heard it helps others like me. we will see. I am trying to put the work in so this is the LAST time I have to do this. Maintenance is one thing, battling for every pound is another.We'll see what happens.

Nothing to Say

06/18/12 - 432lbs Well....not lovin that number lol.  Yesterday was pizza day and the basement had a lot of people in it, so I didn't get to exercise as much as I normally do.

First Steps

06/17/12 - 431lbs  Yesterday, was a big day. I got out of the wheelchair and onto the love seat, and went upstairs to eat dinner. Firsts steps to freedom. I finally feel like I'm making progress. next step go up and down often enough so that Mom and Dad can go out of town. With all of this progress there are still many challenges. Why is it that no matter how often you shower, no matter how much deodorant you use, you always smell.

????

06/16/12 - 431lbs   I honestly don't know what to say. Yesterday was a non food issue tough day, but I lost a little over three lbs. I can not figure out why my body loses weight the way it does. I'm confused.

Looking In a Mirror

06/15/12 -435lbs  I was Talking to friend the other day, and the subject of mirrors came up. She hates them because she is trying very hard to gain weight and she doesn't like looking like a skeleton. I hate them because I can't stand they way my fat flap looks. One side hangs down longer than the other, and no matter what I put on, nothing looks good. So many times I have wished I could just cut it off. It hinders how I move, it stinks, it gets raw and hurts, I can't think of one positive thing to say about it. I will say a positive thing about friends though, since it's Thankful Friday. Friends are so awesome they push you, challenge you, lift you up, and carry you depending on what you need. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I have rock!

Walking, Walking, Walking

06/14/12 - 435lbs  Yesterday was a good day. I woke up with some energy, and read in Spark People that when you exercise you have to push yourself. Know, I knew that in my head, but when I'm walking my little trek every hour I didn't want to hear that. So yesterday I walked every half hour, faithfully. I even climbed the stairs for an important phone call.So I was feeling really good about what I accomplished yesterday right up until the moment that I looked at the scale this morning and had gained 5/10ths of a lb. There went my energy and motivation right out the window. So.......today's goal is to walk and not care what the scale says.

I'm Sorry What Size?

06/13/12 -435 lbs. I was thinking this morning that I have lost 75lbs.and I am pretty happy with that, I wish it was more but, oh well. But really, how much weight do I have to lose before I change sizes. I am still wearing the 500lb. clothes. I was talking to a friend of mine about clothes shopping the other day, and I told her the only way I can get clothes to fit is to order online. they don't carry clothes in my size in stores. Forget about what is stylish or looks good, as my mom said, small tent is small tent. It would be nice if the small tent would get a little smaller once in awhile.I found a pretty good weight loss web site called Sparkpeople. Check it out.

Quiet Day

06/12/12 - 435 lbs. Today seems like a pretty good day. I didn't move around as much as I should have yesterday, there were people moving around down here and so me not wanting to embarrass myself I stayed in my chair, I have got to get over that. Anyway I have already been moving around more today, so go me.

A New Day

06/11/12 - 436 lbs - I know I should be overjoyed at finally getting past 437 but honestly I'm so exhausted from all the negative energy and emotions from yesterday that I'm either numb or hungover I'm not sure which. I don't even know what to say, I am sitting here literally like a lump of coal. I have hard days before, but this one blindsided me and so I think that one was the worse yet. A friend of mine called last last night and said remember it's one step at a time and if that doesn't work, then it is minute by minute. Yesterday was definitely a minute by  minute day. I did manage to do 41/2 min. with the Senior citizen bunch yesterday. So..... today is a new day and it's onward and upward or whatever the saying is.

Hanging on,,,

06/10/12 This has been such a hard day. I have cried, gotten angry, snapped at my daughter for no good reason. Just when I think I'm  beginning to get a handle on this, I get blindsided by all these emotions. I am so tired of calorie counting, portion controlled, low fat, lean, healthy eating I could spit. And I have a very long way to go. I smell the next door neighbors bbq almost every day. I just want to scream. This is one of those days that self confidence or pride is just nowhere to be found. What I really want to do is to make the feelings go away. I want to eat unhealthy really good tasting food until I'm full. Knowing that is what got me into this mess to begin with, that obviously, is not the answer. The problem is, is that is the only way I know how to deal with all of this crap. So instead I find myself not talking to anyone so I don't offend them. I can't seem to find any answers. this just sucks so much.

I'm So Tired

06/10/12 -437lbs-Gravy, I watched the scale this morning as it was trying to decide between 436.8 and 437, guess which one won. This would be so much easier if I wasn't so tired. I have never been a great sleeper, but in the last 6 months it has gotten so much worse.I don't know if it's the medicines or what but every night just as I start to fall asleep, the itching starts. this isn't the light one scratch and you're done itch. This is the clawing at your skin for 2 hours kind of itching. By the time that episode is over your brain has kicked into high gear and sleep is imposable. It's hard enough to lose this weight 1 teaspoon at a time, but to do it on 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night is killing me. I AM SO TIRED!

It's either laugh or cry

06/09/12 - 437 Ahhhhh!!  Ok , so yesterday I had the brilliant (not) idea of finding some exercise videos I could do sitting down. I had been told by several different people that I could anything on you tube. So I explored you tube for a little while, wow that's an entire blog in itself. I did come across yoga and stretching exercises for seniors. I thought hey, even i can do these..... 31/2 min. later I was sweating and huffing and puffing so bad I thought I needed oxygen. Meanwhile these lovely senior citizens were chatting to each other as they did these exercises with a smile on their faces. the one lady in the wheelchair looked like she could have run the Boston Marathon. I mean really!!! Am I going back to do it again, you bet I have to try to keep up with this bunch.

Thankful Friday

06/08/12 - 437  I have decided that I'm going to start having thankful Fridays. When I was working it was always great on Fridays. We got paid, the weekend was almost here, everybody was in a good mood. It's hard right now to remember how to feel happy. So, I have to work on being thankful. I have to practice being thankful for the sun, instead of complaining how hot I am. I have to remember that not to long ago I couldn't stay awake through an entire conversation. Now I can stay awake all day. I am getting better, and I am getting stronger. The scale isn't going to move every day, but it doesn't say 505 any more.

And the grind goes on...

06/07/12 - 437 lbs. I guess I should be happy that the scale actually moved down. After almost a week at 438 I was beginning to think it would never move. Having said that, Really! 4 tenths of a lb? Ugh sometimes I just want to pick that freakin scale up and throw it through a window. Two weeks ago I was exercising (and I use that term loosely) more often. I lost some of my motivation and I need to get it back. I keep thinking about how my life got to this point, food is the one thing in my life that always made me feel good. If i was down it could lift me up. If I was up it celebrated with me. It is sooooo hard to replace that constant with something else. Well another day another life lesson.

New Things

06/06/12   Instead of journaling I was told I needed to start a blog. So this is my first attempt at starting a blog. I am trying to record my weight loss journey.two and a half months ago when I went into the hospital I weighed 505 lbs. Yes you read that right, since then I have lost 67 lbs. however at least half of that was fluid. Most people think that if you weigh 500 lbs.that the first 150 lbs or so would come off pretty quickly. Well that might be true for some folks but not me. Nope I get to fight this battle 1 lb. at a time. so starting tomorrow I am going to try to blog everyday about my new me new life battle.