Good Bye August

08/31/12  - 398lbs    Last day of August, finally. I hate heat, I don't know whether it's my size, or just my genetic makeup but I can not stand to be hot. If your cold you can always add a another layer of clothes to warm up. If you're hot you can only take so many layers off. Plus fall and winter are beautiful. I admit, driving on ice isn't fun, but it looks pretty. Everybody has told me this has been a very unusual summer. All I know is it's hot, really hot and dry, it never rains here. Hopefully September will be much cooler, a little wetter, and much much nicer.

1st Goal Down

08/30/12  -398lbs       Yeah! Finally! 398 pounds. Happy Day! I have no idea why this seems like such a good number for me, but I have been looking for this number for a long time. Along with that I get to go to Walmart either this afternoon, or on Sat. morning. 

Holding Patterns

08/29/12 - 399lbs    I seem to be stuck at 399. I know l lost 10 pounds last week but I want to keep losing. It's so frustrating when I get stuck. I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing, my body just isn't cooperating. On top of all that, my stomach fat flap hangs down almost 3 inches longer on the right side than it does on the left. I have no idea what causes this, or how to fix it.

Goodbye 400's

08/28/12 - 399lbs.   Yesterday I broke free of the 400's.  I am still looking for 398 because somehow that number is more real to me than 399. Still, 399 makes for a very nice weigh in. I love the way people react when my Mom and Dad tell them I broke 400. Today I have to go pick up an in home monitor that is going to check my oxygen levels at night to see if I can get rid of the night time oxygen. Fingers crossed. I don't know if I was nervous about the birthday celebration happening 3 States away, or what but I had the worst case of munchies I've had in awhile. I finally went to bed early to make them go away.

Connie's 21

08/27/12 - 399lbs   Today Connie turns 21. Today she becomes my best friend. I always told her we could be friends when she grew up, the day is finally here. My daughter has brought me more joy than I could ever have imagined.She forced me to grow up, She has challenged me at every turn, and she has filled my life with laughter. I am so glad that God gave her to me. Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!  I love you more than anything!!

Sunday

08/26/12 -400lbs    I can't believe that very early tomorrow morning my daughter turns 21. I have always heard that time flies, boy does it. As your living the day to day grind, time seems to move very slowly. Then as I think back, it's amazing how fast that 21 years went.  More on that tomorrow. 
    I don't really have a lot to say today. So Be thankful for what you have you never know when it's going to be gone.

Football

08/25/12 - 403lbs.  It's football season. This is me doing the happy dance. I love football. It's part of my family history, my dad coached for 35 years, and my brother played through college. I grew up with football as part of my everyday life. I can't quote stats, and I don't know every player who has ever played, like baseball fans, but I love the game. I love watching them catch a beautiful pass, or make an amazing run, I cringe when the quarterback gets sacked, and yell encouragement at the tv like they can hear me. I love the fact that you start the season sweating in Aug. and end the season freezing in the snow. I love the fact, that in pro football, the the championship is one game. You get one shot to get it right, Not the best of seven, Not sets and matches, Not a total of points over several races, just one game. Happy day football is here.

Life's Mysteries

08/24/12 - 403lbs   I have written about Spark People, the website I use as a tool to help me with my weight loss, well yesterday I got this flashing message it was time to update my progress so my calories and fitness min. could be adjusted. Sounded good to me, I merrily clicked away and updated everything, and then tragedy struck. For the first time ever spark People let me down. It figured my calorie range to be between 2250 and 2600. What!?! I'm trying to lose weight not gain weight. If I average out my weight loss, I am only losing about 3.5 pounds a week. I shouldn't say only, but my point is that is not an exceptional amount of weight to lose a week. I am exercising more but only about 20 min. a day. Most of that is chair dancing and chair zumba. I have already sent an sos to Drew so he can tell me what's going on.

Beeps

08/23/12  403lbs  In the basement where I spend most of my time, there are four smoke detectors. One of them is randomly beeping. but it doesn't beep in any consistent pattern. So I have spent the last two and a half days trying to figure out which one is beeping. I have eliminated one. The other three however, are kind of all in a line that from end to end only stretches about fifteen to twenty feet. so it is very hard to tell which one is beeping. of course when your standing there looking at them, they never beep. So annoying. One is easy to reach, but the other two are higher up and you need a step ladder, or stool to stand on. My mission for today is to figure out which one is beeping.

Sue

08/22/12 405lbs  I have someone who I'm very close to, who suffers from something called Sjogren's Syndrome. I have complained many times about how sore, how much pain, how miserable I am. Sue on the other hand lives in daily pain I can only imagine. Her body is attacking itself from the inside out. She has virtually no strength left in her hands, and she has rheumatoid arthritis in almost all her joints. She has has to have something to drink near her at all times because she has no moisture in her body. That means she has to watch what she eats very carefully, it could scratch her throat, burn her mouth, be to acidic and cause sores in her mouth, or just plain choke her. She has times where for no apparent reason, she suddenly starts stuttering and having trouble putting into words what she wants to say.This embarrasses and humiliates her. So she doesn't talk to anybody when that happens. My point in writing all of this is to say she handles her disease, which will never get better, with more grace and dignity than I could ever imagine. I am very blessed to have four very strong women in my life, My daughter, Connie My sister Connie, My Aunt Joyce, And My Best Friend Sue.

Getting Back To Normal

08/21/12 405lbs  Mom and Dad got home safely, after a good trip, so now it's back to normal. I did enjoy cooking though. I am going to see if once in awhile Mom will let me cook. I am happy my weight is back to where it was on Friday, that's a relief. I was starting to get a little freaked out when it kept going up.

New Meds

08/20/12 409lbs  Ever since I started taking the new medicine, I have been retaining fluid. This is really starting to freak me out. I know that it's fluid and it will come back off. that doesn't help when you know you have been eating right doing what your supposed to do as far as exercise, and you watch the scale go up. on top of all that since I have been walking up and down the driveway, my ankle has been screaming in protest. I don't know if I have strained it or it's just all the old injuries reawakening. Either way, pain is the order of the day.

Reality

08/19/12 - 406lbs  I have talked about fat flaps, the daily pain, the lack of confidence, the stares, the laughs, the comments, the kids who point, and just the daily grind of trying to move 400lbs. I am so tired and really I have nothing to say today. I am worried about my daughter, I miss my family, and this blog just doesn't seem very important today.

NSV

08/18/12 406lbs    I have been so busy doing things a little differently that I totally missed blogging this morning. I was trying to get the paper in and get my breakfast before one of my friends called and I totally blanked. Spark People has been encouraging us to focus on non scale victories (nsv). I have been trying to find those in my life, because really those are the most important ones, not just a number on a scale. Mine have been getting out of the wheelchair, walking outside, going into a real store.Small tjings to some people, but huge things for me.

Start of the Weekend

08/17/12 - 405lbs  Today I try Prozac, I'll see how that works for me. Today is also the day Mom and Dad go to Kansas. I really hope they have a safe trip, and a really good time. I know how much they enjoy seeing everybody. While they're gone, I'm in charge of getting the paper in and checking the mail. Today there is no paper out there, either Mom and Dad already got it, or our neighborhood didn't get one. Usually when I walk, everybody's driveway still has a paper in it, but not today. I have stalled long enough, time to get this day started.

Weekend Challenges

08/16/12 -406lbs  So today is basically the start of the weekend for me. I have my 2 Dr. appointments, I'm going to go into a grocery store for the first time in almost a year, Mom and Dad leave tomorrow for Kansas, so I get to cook a little. This is the biggest weekend I have had in a long time. I am looking forward to it. I am glad that Mom and Dad feel good enough about leaving me to go for 4 days. maybe by Christmas we will be up to a couple of weeks, or at least a week to ten days
     While they are gone, I will be getting the newspaper in, checking the mail, and taking out the trash. These will all be new things for me, and I can't wait to try. I know I can walk to end of the driveway, and to the mailbox because I have been doing it. Bending over to pick up the paper might be funny to watch, but I will figure it out. So I am nervous, and excited all at the same time. the truth in that statement is that on the inside I am a nervous wreck. But it will be okay, it always is.

Music

08/15/12 - 408lbs  As I write this I'm listening to Christmas music and wishing it was winter. Christmas music and old R & B are my two favorite kinds of music. My daughter must have inherited my off beat music tastes because she was born in the early 90's and loves 80's music. Go figure. There is something about music that touches me inside. It can be a warm hug, a comforting blanket, or an energizer. Music is one of the few things I feel. I can feel happy listening to music, I can feel safe, I seem to have a soundtrack in my head that is attached too my memories. I wonder why?

Attainable Goals

08/14/12 -408lbs.  Yesterday I officially lost 100 pounds since I went into the the hospital at the end of March. Instead of being happy about losing 100 pounds, all I could think of is 219 I have to go. I have always known I could lose 100 pounds I have done it before. What I have never done before is lose 319 pounds. I keep watching the biggest loser and I have already lost more weight than some of those people. Even there, no one has lost three hundred pounds or more. I'm really scared that I can't do this. Spark People talk about attainable goals, and now I'm not sure this is attainable. It's that whole fear of failing thing, and when I get scared I just stop trying. This is not good. I have to figure out how to break this cycle.

Weeks Schedule

08/13/12 - 409lbs.  Well, it's Monday again. Time for my virtual weigh in on Spark People, on Thursday I have 2 Dr. appointments, Drew and Dr. O'Brian. On Friday Mom and Dad leave for Kansas. It will be an interesting week. I skipped my after breakfast walk, I don't feel real well. If I feel better after lunch, I will pick it up there. I am just so tired. I just want to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep during the day though because that is all I used to do. when I feel like this, I get worried that I'm going back to where I was when I moved here.

Skype

08/12/12  - 410lbs  I Skyped for the first time yesterday, and it was really cool to see the kids. What wasn't cool was the way I looked. I have to say, with my talent for avoiding mirrors, it's always a nasty surprise when I unexpectedly come across my reflection. I guess in my head 99 pounds translates to big changes that can be seen. But as I looked at myself on my computer I realized that nope I still look horrible. I wish I could Connie to Skype. I think it's fun.

It's Okay to Be Rude

08/11/12  410lbs    Yesterday, I wanted to prove to mom and Dad that I could get the paper in, and check the mail while their gone. So I walked down the the driveway to the mailbox. Yea me. The problem I have is that I need to stop and either lean against something, or sit down to catch my breath. Just stopping doesn't help much. It's very frustrating and embarrassing. There was a woman on Spark People, who had lost quite a bit of weight and she and her boyfriend took her 7 year old niece to the amusement park. She had promised her niece that they would ride in the front car on the roller coaster. They waited their turn and got the front car, her boyfriend sat in the second car behind them. when it came time to fasten the seat belt it wouldn't fit. So she asked the attendant if it would be ok since the safety bar did fit. He said no, and made her get out of the car. Then the attendant told her boyfriend that he couldn't move up to sit with the seven year old. The poor lady walked the walk of shame all the way to the end of the line but again the attendant refused to open the gate. so she had to walk by all those people again to walk out the other way. By this time she was in tears. If an amusement park had treated a sick or physically challenged person like that people would have been outraged but because the woman was heavy, it was acceptable. That's why I don't want to leave the house. I am so tired of ignoring people staring and pointing and making rude comments. I am so tired of trying to pretend that peoples rudeness doesn't bother me. Every step I take hurts me. Every time I have to look for a big chair it hurts me. Every time I have to stand to have my blood pressure taken  it hurts me. Dad said the other day he tried to lift 100 pound weights and he couldn't budge it. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to climb the stairs with an extra 250 pounds. Well You don't have to, I'll tell you. It hurts. it hurts your ankles, knees, and lungs.It hurts your back and your arms from trying to help pull your weight.. Yet all of us who are trying to change our lives keep getting up day after day, and doing it again and again.

Adventures at NJH

08/10/12  - 410lbs  As I have said before, I have to call in a heart survey every day. Once in a blue moon they throw a couple of extra questions in. Usually thise questions are about taking your meds or being able to afford your meds. This time however, the questions were about depression. I must not have answered them right  because I got a call from one of the nurses saying that I needed to talk to my Dr. about my depression. I really didn't think that I was all that depressed so I asked my daughter who very lovingly said," You so are". Hmm So one more thing to add to the list. On the good news front or Thankful Friday, I was very blessed yesterday to receive a bi-pap machine for free. I had looked online, and those suckers are expensive. Yesterday I skipped the zumba since I knew I would be walking a lot at NJH. I was right, I not only walked a lot, i stood a lot. They did not have friendly chairs for big people. At one point I had to push a display aside, to sit on a bed. I am doing 3 laps, 2 laps, 3 laps on my walks.

Today

08/09/12 - 412lbs.   Today I get to go back to NJH to see the nice lady about breathing machines. Woo Hoo. To say I hate days like this a huge understatement. I just hate going to these things. Today just all around sucks.

Calories

08/08/12 - 412lbs.   Well 412 used to be a happy number for me. I am quickly losing my excitement for that number. I did 2 sets of 2 laps and 1 set of three laps, 10 min. of chair zumba went up and down the stairs 3 or 4 times ate 1205 calories and gained 4 tenths of a pound. I am averaging 1266 calories a day over the last six days. My Dad's fist thought is well, eat a little less. I am not going to do that. Spark People keeps preaching that dropping your calories below 1200 is worse for your body. So because I like to eat, and because I trust Spark people, I'm sticking with my minimum calorie intake. Oh where is the magic wand that will make me a size 8 and pretty.

Looking Ahead

08/07/12  - 412lbs   I not only made it to the trashcan and back twice I did it two different times.Today I am trying for 3 sets of two. One of my biggest hopes is that as I lose more weight I will hurt less and less. The more I do, the more I hurt.I think right now for me the definition of misery is sitting sweating in all of my fat flaps, hurting from trying to change and seeing the scale stay the same even thought I didn't eat the second piece of meatloaf I REALLY wanted to eat.Then I look at the Lands End catalog and I keep thinking that someday I will be able to fit in those clothes. The L.L. Bean catalog is calling my name too.

Feeling included

08/06/12 -412lbs.  One of the most frustrating things for me is when someone calls to talk to me because they have a problem, and I can't solve it for them. I do know that they aren't calling me for-me to solve the problem, I'm not the Equalizer, but somewhere in my DNA is the fix-it gene. I want to fix all of their problems. I love the fact that they call me, it makes me feel like they trust me. I wouldn't change that for the world. I love to feel included, when a friend calls me to talk over a problem makes me feel included.  My goal for today is to walk to the trashcans and back outside,

Tears

08/05/12 -413lbs    This is one of those days where I really have nothing to say. I have done a really good job so far on this journey, Not perfect, but really good. But it seems like I am always one sad moment away from tears. For years I never cried, now I cry at commercials! it's ridiculous! I don't understand what the heck is going on. I think I preferred not crying to being a blubbering baby.

Happy Numbers

08/04/12 - 412lbs  Wow, it's 4/12 today and that what I weigh. I don't have any idea why that number makes me so happy but it does. Maybe because that means I'm finally close to getting out of the 400's I don't know. I just know that 412 made me smile. If I was smaller I would have done a happy dance, but at my size I would have hurt myself so I did one on the inside. Now I want to see 398 that is my next happy number. One of my other happy numbers is coming up at the end of the month. On the 27th my daughter turns 21. that makes me happy too. Maybe by then I will have reached 398 that would be awesome!!

Sizes

08/03/12 -414lbs  I am going to start taking my picture every month so I can see  the changes (if there are any) I think that will help me see the progress I'm making. Right now it's hard to see any progress when I have lost nearly a hundred pounds and I'm still wearing the exact same size clothes. DEPRESSING! I have lost a hundred pounds before and the exact same thing happened. One of my fears is that my body does not want to change size. I know it sounds stupid, as I write it I think how dumb is that? The reality is though that I don't change sizes easily or often. Well I go up pretty easily, just not down. Some of my friends have clothes in three sizes in their closets. That is a concept that is totally foreign to me. I barely own enough clothes for a week, let alone clothes that don't fit. Well we'll see what happens.

Scattered Thoughts

08/02/12 - 413lbs    Still waiting on blood test results....have I said lately how much I hate Dr's. Man, Drew was tough this week giving me a lot of challenges. I hope I can remember them all. I wish I could explain things the way Connie Rose does. She cracks me up the way she can tell a story She makes everything funny, and then wonders why everybody is laughing. She has so many talents I get very jealous.

Olympics

08/01/12 -414lbs   Like  a lot of people, I have become an Olympic junkie. I normally don't watch sports other than football. There is something about watching all these young people who have sacrificed so much to get to compete with the best of the best. This is so far removed from my own personality. I am the least competitive person I know. Winning or being the best just doesn't mean anything to me. I always feel bad for those who lose, especially those who lose by only this much. The heartbreak on their faces always makes me want to tell them to hold their heads up. It seems to take them awhile to realize that they still have accomplished something awesome. I don't have the military mindset of 1st place and 1st loser. I think that being number 2 in the world is something to be proud of.