Next Issue

11/16/22 - 362lbs  So the next thing I need to talk to my Dr about is the pain in my feet and ankles. Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head. The swelling in my ankle, and the jerk my body does when the pain start shooting up my foot, or the fire I feel on my shins that brings tears to my eyes are very real to me.
  Happy Friday everybody!

Thanksgiving Plans

11/15/12 - 363lbs   Well Connie has her first official training day as a cashier today.
    Connie and I spent two weeks convincing my mom to let us help cook Thanksgiving Dinner, and Andrew called yesterday and has a brined turkey already ordered. Lol, oh well plans change. Now we all will help cook dinner.

Target and Walmart

11/14/12  - 365lbs   Connie had orientation last night, and starts training on Thursday. I think she will enjoy the experience.
  I haven't been to Walmart since Sept. and I get to go again today. I am very happy. I love shopping at Walmart.

Test Results

11/12/12 - 365lbs   Today is the celebration of Veterans Day. Thank you veterans for all you have done for this country! Thank you families of service people, and those still serving, for all you have done also!
   I got my test results, and they were great. Better than my Dr. expected! I don't have to go see the Pulminolagist, for 6 months.I don't have to go back to my sleep apnea Dr. til Jan. 10th.
   Connie and I are helping with Thanksgiving this year, and we want to make a holiday cocktail. If anybody reading this has any suggestions, we would appreciate all suggestions.

Target Cashier

11/10/12 - 365lbs   Connie got the job, pending some more paperwork she has to take care of on Monday. I hope she has as much fun being a cashier as I have over the years.
     My ankle has been swollen and very painful the last two days. I'm icing it, but I have no idea what I did to it.

Job Interview for Connie

11/09/12  - 366lbs.    Connie is at a job interview as I write this. I hope it works out for her.

Perspective

11/08/12 - 365lbs.   Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from today. It really is true that time goes by faster, the older you get. I have been here for 8 months already. I have lost 143  pounds and have 191 pounds to go. I have gotten rid of the wheelchair, potty chair, shower chair, and only use the walker for long distances.
    I get so caught up in the numbers and the daily grind of choices, choices, choices that I forget to be happy about how far I've come. I am so focused on the next number, the next goal, that I don't celebrate the victories.

Changing Views

11/06/12 - 366lbs     It's weird or funny how you change. I have never been a techno gadget person. I have always resisted the latest gizmo and gadget. I still haven't how to copy and paste on a consistent basis. I really want to learn how to copy and paste pictures from one place to a different page. Sorry, off track, lately I  have been seeing some gadgets that I will get if I ever hit the lottery lol.
    The first one is an Ipod. I know they have been around forever, but I have been using something called an Ipod touch that belongs to Connie on my walks. So much fun to walk to music.
    The second one is a Wii system. The ladies on Spark pages rave about the zumba and dancing games. they claim you don't need to have great eye hand coordination to use this and that it's a lot of fun.
     The third one is a Kindle. E -Readers are not something I've ever been interested in. Sue brought hers with her when she came, and it was really cool. Since I have been spending a lot of time at Dr's offices lately, I see how great they are.
     Anyway, isn't it fun to dream?

Walking

11/05/12  366lbs.   I have been walking the path behind the house everyday, but I'm starting to feel like that it's not enough. I don't think that I have enough strength to do the longer path yet. I think I'm going to try to walk the path twice a day. I'm not sure if I can do it, but I'm going to give it a try.

Safe Trip

11/03/12  367lbs    Connie made it last night, complete with about 75lbs of luggage. I swear her purse alone weight over 20 pounds. Now she is has to develop a normal so she feels comfortable. That is also very true of my parents. Things constantly change.  The bottom line is we are all very happy she is here.

Connie Comes Today!!!!

11/02/12 - 368lbs    It's finally here. Connie Comes Today!!!!!!!!
      This morning we are off to get the handicapped parking cards the Dr signed the paperwork for.

Waiting For Connie

11/01/12 - 367lbs    This is the worlds slowest week. I'm sure for Connie it seems like time has sped up. Trying to get everything done before tomorrow morning.

Bits and Pieces

10/30/12 - 368lbs  Wow what a storm Sandy was. My thoughts and prayers are srill with all of those people who are having to deal with the effects of that storm.
    I hope Connie doesn't have any problems with her flight on Friday. Yesterday she got her printer sold, now I'm praying for her car to sell. So much stress with moving.

Update and Prayers

10/29/12  -368lbs  I have been very light headed and shaky for the several days. Yesterday I really felt bad. Today seems better, so I am very glad about that. Connie's plane lands at 6:10 pm on Friday. I am so excited, I can't wait.
   My Thoughts and Prayers are with those having to deal with Hurricane Sandy. it sounds like it could really bad.

Good News

10/26/12  - 369lbs   Well I survived my day testing. This included 1 IV, 1 Arterial Blood draw, lab work where they took 8 vials of blood, and sitting in a small box for pulmonary function tests. I am so glad that is over!
  Now for the good news, Connie has agreed to fly instead of drive by herself. We were all so worried about her driving that far alone. I think she will be flying on Nov. 2.

Reaching Mini Goals

10/23/12  - 375lbs.  A little over a month ago, I joined a SP mini-challenge, for motivation going into Halloween, and the start of the trifecta of temptation holidays. I had 3 main goals. To exercise 45 min. a day, to walk the circle behind the house, and to get to 375 by Halloween. Today I have reached all three goals.

Short Post

10/22/12  - 376lbs.   The  count down is on til Connie gets here. I am so excited. Thursday is test day, I am not excited about that.

Shots Hurt

10/18/2 - 378lbs.    Note to self, Never get three shots on the same day. My arm is killing me. I'm not even sure which two shots are hurting. All I know is that the arm that got two of the shots really really hurts. I started the anti anxiety medicine so in a month we will see if there is any improvement. I still don't know what Connie is going to do on the 29th.

Results of my Dr Visit

10/17/12 - 378lbs      Oh my gosh, 3 shots, 2 new anti anxiety prescriptions, and 1 new set of bedtime rules later, I survived my Dr's visit. I also got the signed paperwork for a handicapped parking card. Can I just whine for a second that my arm really hurts from those shots. I got a tetanus, A pneumonia, and a flu shot. I didn't want any of them, but my Doctor is very good at talking me into what he wants me to do. On top of that I had a huge fight with Connie yesterday. It was a very sucky day!

Off to the Dr.

10/16/12  380lbs  I am off to the Dr with my list of questions. I so hate going to Dr's. I always feel so stupid. I can't get my hair to do anything, and I know I look ridiculous. Oh well here goes nothing.

I Did It!

10/15/12 378lbs  I made it all the way around the circle path. For me that was huge. I used my walker, to help me , and it took me a while, but I did it.Onward and upward.

success

10/14/12  380lbs    I went past my goal. On my first walk, I went up to the path, back past the house and three houses farther to the corner. On my second walk I walked to the path and went part of the way back toward the sidewalk. So I did really good yesterday. I wonder how far I'll go today?

Today's Goal

10/13/12  380lbs   Goal for today : walk to the path with my walker. I would really like to walk to the path, and then walk to the corner house, but I have no idea how far I can go with my walker. We will see.

Stress

10/12/12 -380lbs  So many things happening. I have to pick up another machine for a O2 test for two nights. Connie has to give her notice at work, and she is so worried and stressed out. I am sleeping a lot more, my temper is shorter, something is going on. I have to figure out what it is and get a handle on it.

Connie's Return Date

1011/12 - 382lbs   Car Rental is set, If everything goes ok, Connie will be home sometime on the 31st. Happy Day!!!

Stuck

10/10/12 -382lbs      I am calling the rental company today to see about renting a Connie a car to drive back in. I am going to give her a break today and leave it at that. Today I am going to talk about me. I am stuck. Ever since the Pulminoligist told me that pushing if I'm constipated puts to much strain on my heart I've been scared to move, and my weight shows it. I have to get moving again, but I'm really scared. I know it's dumb, but it's real to me. I don't know how to blast this stupid fear out of my brain.

Connie Part 3

10/09/12  382lbs    I think we are going the rental car route so that Connie has a safe car to get here in. Now we have to deal with all the stuff. her other Mom and I think the kids should pack what they want and have a yard sale and Craig's List the rest. That way they could each have a little extra cash. Of course that easy for us to say when we don't have to get any thing ready. If they could each get an extra 100 bucks score!

Connie Part 2

10/08/12 -382lbs   I am continuing my "Connie needs to come to Colorado " kick today by pointing out that I am sick, I don't know how sick, I'm scared, and I miss my daughter! One might think that she is sympathetic and coddles me. Nope, she kicks my butt. She also is very supportive and encouraging. I know she wants to go live her life, and I want her to....after she spends a little while with me. So come on Connie, Pick a date, give your notice, talk to your landlord, and get your butt here.

Connie

10/07/12-  382lbs    So I have these tests scheduled for the 25th and I'm really scared. I just want to go hide under a rock. Since that's not possible I want my daughter here. She does a very good job of telling me to grow up. But she is to scared to leave Wa. She doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings. What she doesn't realize is even her other Mother thinks her son needs to get off his but and get a job. She thinks he should be paying for his own meds, and taking care of himself.

Good Friends

10/06/12 - 382lbs    It's always hard to say goodbye when you put a good friend on the plane to go home. We had lots of laughter, conversation, quiet times, and travels. It has been a very exciting week and I'm glad we had the opportunity to visit. Now it's time for my daughter to come. She might not stay long, but I need her here when I have to face all these tests.

Day Trips

10/04/12 - 382lbs.   Yesterday my Mom and Dad decided on a quick trip up to Breckenridge. It was gorgeous up there. the leaves were changing and it was cool. I loved it! I didn't love the drive up but that's normal. So in three days, I have been to Estes Park, Rocky Mountain National Park, and Breckenridge.

Measuring Up

10/03/12 - 382lbs  My daughter informed last night that I needed to go back to blogging everyday. Since I trust her more than anybody else, I will go back to blogging every day. Or at least I will try. Sue is here from Ga. It has been fun having company.  It also has made me feel like a third wheel. The differences in what I can do, compared to other people makes me feel even worse than I normally do. It seems like what I've accomplished, or how far I've come is never enough. What is it about parents and friends that can make you feel like a six year old? Why is whatever I am never enough? More importantly why do I give a damn? Why is it always a comparison?

This Week

09/26/12  -383lbs    I went to the Pulm. on Monday, He has ordered a bunch of tests I have to have done. I hope that by the time I've done all of them they have some answers. Me being me, I am scared to death. I so hate tests. I get to go to the sleep clinic on Thursday. It's just been a fun week. On Saturday Sue is coming for a visit. that is going to be so much fun. I can't wait.

Barnes and Noble

09/20/12 - 388lbs   Yesterday I walked a little farther, and went to Barnes and Noble. I love Bookstores! I love them so much, I don't go into them. I can do a lot of damage to my budget if I go wandering the mystery section of a bookstore. I have no self control when it comes to books. My brother and sister-in-law were very generous and gave me a gift to Barnes and Noble. Happy Day! I spent a little over half my budget and I got a really awesome puzzle that has a library filled with books, a blazing fire in a beautiful fireplace, Grandparents, and Grand kids reading, cats, Angels, gorgeous woodwork, and fairies. I have never seen anything like it. I also bought 4 books. I think I'm going to buy at least one more puzzle with the rest. I loved being out shopping! I did figure out quickly though that without a cart to lean on, I was struggling. By the time I sat down, I was red, sweating, and out of breath. I had an awesome time.

Personal Space

09/18/12 - 394lbs   Mom and Dad got home safely from their trip, and I had an awesome weekend playing in the kitchen with vegetarian pasta. While it's strange being alone in someone else's home.It's a great reminder on how much I miss my own space. I miss surrounding myself with candles, and books.

Johnny Appleseed Festival

09/15/12 -391lbs   Back in my hometown of Fort Wayne In. It is Johnny Appleseed Festival Weekend. For those of you who are not familiar with Midwest Fall Festivals, let me introduce you. Fall Festivals include Farmers Markets, craft shows that include hand crafted furniture, brooms, jewelry, and clothes. Pioneer days entertainment, and characters, and food. The smells of open fires and fresh popcorn, roasted corn, ham and beans cooked over the open fire, homemade sarsaparilla. They have alpacas so you can pet them while you watch alpaca wool being spun....so soft. Not to mention beautiful.

It's the Weekend

09/14/12 - 391lbs     Mom and Dad are on their way to Kansas, so it's the beginning of the long weekend. It's always weird being in the house alone. this time though there is a smoke detector chirping to keep me company. It's a beautiful day, and it's the weekend, TGIF everybody.

Quiet

09/13/12 - 392lbs.    Nothing to say today.

Rain

09/12/12  -393lbs.   This morning I actually heard the splash as cars drove through puddles. Now that doesn't sound all that significant to most people, but here in Colorado I think the last time it rained this much I was in the Hospital, and that was in March. For most people the grey skies, cooler temps., and all around dreariness would be depressing. I feel like throwing a party! I'm not even upset about this stupid two pounds that won't come back off. Everything is finally getting that moisture it needs.

Remembering 9/11

09/11/12  I am not posting my weight today. Not because it's bad, but today is a day that is not about me. This is the day we remember. Remember the Hero's, those who lost their lives because someone else did the unthinkable, those who gave their lives trying to save others, those who fought to stay alive in the biggest tragedy of our lifetime, those who worked in unimaginable circumstances to save lives, and the families of all of those I just mentioned. All of those people deserve to be the focus of our attentions meditations and prayers today. Today we remember what a group of people can come together to accomplish. Today we remember what we as a nation felt that day. Today we remember how we came together to grieve and overcome. Today we stop and say a prayer. Today we remember.

Prayer

09/10/12  - 391lbs  Ms L. starts her treatment today, so it has to be very scary. My daughter has to go to the Dr. about her migraines. So today is a prayer filled day. May everyone have a blessed day.

Slowing Down

09/09/12  -394lbs   I have posted almost a hundred a postsand really I think I'm going to stop posting everyday. I am really not feeling it today.

Progress

09/08/12  393lbs  I am 4 pounds away from getting to the 80's. That makes me happy. I have no rhythm and no dance moves what so ever, but I am trying hard to make my 30 min. of chair dancing effective. I know I'm sore and feeling places I didn't know could hurt. I have also noticed I'm getting much hungrier than I have been. I'm not sure what's going on there.

Good Day

09/07/12  - 394lbs   My foot is getting better, my 30 min. of chair dancing is becoming part of my routine, not easy, but I'm doing it. Today, the weather is looking a little bit like fall. Hallelujah! I am glad it's Friday, I think today is going to be a good day. Have a great weekend everybody.

Lesson in Moderation

09/06/12 - 397lbs   I have been doing my chair dancing for 30 minutes a day, but because that mostly involves keeping my arms waving about in the air, I have also been trying to to move my legs and feet moving during the day. I thought this was a good idea. What I forgot however, is that I have very bad ankles and feet. So when I woke up yesterday, I had shooting pain in my right foot foot every time I stepped on it. It took me all day to figure out what I had done to make my foot so unhappy. Note to self moderation is a very good thing.

Happy Wednesday

09/05/12 - 395lbs.  I have nothing to say today. So Happy Wednesday everybody.

Friendship

09/04/12 - 398lbs   Starting today added into my prayers and meditations will be the Mom of a best friend. She got the news recently that her Mom is very ill and will have to start treatments soon. I don't know how to help my friend, I want to give her all the strength, courage, and faith she will need to help her Mom and Dad. She is already fighting  a lifelong illness herself, so she knows what her Mom will be going through. How do I lift her up, encourage, support, listen, give pep talks, and a shoulder to cry on, all at the appropriate times? Please let me be the best friend I can be during all of this.

Labor Day

09/03/12 - 397lbs    It's Labor Day! Time to be Thankful for all those people with jobs, and to say a Prayer for those who are looking for a job. For me, this is the start of Fall. That means I want cooler weather, leaves changing colors, the smell of burning leaves in the air. Fall means winter will soon be here, snow and all of the beauty that comes with it. I want to be small enough so I can wear cute sweaters and boots, and not look like a middle linebacker. Or the Abominable Snowman.

How Far I've Come

009/02/12 - 397lbs    It still feels weird to be typing Sept. instead of Aug. It's funny how everything seems to be on fast forward. Time just seems to fly and yet I'm not really doing anything special. I don't think I'm making any sense, but I started this journey for real at the end of March, when I found out what my real weight was. So in a little over 5 months I have lost 112 pounds. That is amazing to me. That is like Biggest Loser huge. My focus is always on how much more I have to lose. I really have to get better at celebrating what I have accomplished.

Daily Mix Up

09/01/12  -398lbs   College Football has started, yeah!!!!! As I write this Notre Dame is beating Navy in Ireland. How cool is it that those kids in college get to go to Ireland to play a football game. Back in real life, my nephew got the shock of his life yesterday, when he cut into a power wire. Luckily he is going to be okay. My daughter is struggling with all the over-whelming details of trying to figure out a move out of state. Drew's new challenge to me....30 min. a day of chair dancing. That man is one challenge after another lol.

Good Bye August

08/31/12  - 398lbs    Last day of August, finally. I hate heat, I don't know whether it's my size, or just my genetic makeup but I can not stand to be hot. If your cold you can always add a another layer of clothes to warm up. If you're hot you can only take so many layers off. Plus fall and winter are beautiful. I admit, driving on ice isn't fun, but it looks pretty. Everybody has told me this has been a very unusual summer. All I know is it's hot, really hot and dry, it never rains here. Hopefully September will be much cooler, a little wetter, and much much nicer.

1st Goal Down

08/30/12  -398lbs       Yeah! Finally! 398 pounds. Happy Day! I have no idea why this seems like such a good number for me, but I have been looking for this number for a long time. Along with that I get to go to Walmart either this afternoon, or on Sat. morning. 

Holding Patterns

08/29/12 - 399lbs    I seem to be stuck at 399. I know l lost 10 pounds last week but I want to keep losing. It's so frustrating when I get stuck. I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing, my body just isn't cooperating. On top of all that, my stomach fat flap hangs down almost 3 inches longer on the right side than it does on the left. I have no idea what causes this, or how to fix it.

Goodbye 400's

08/28/12 - 399lbs.   Yesterday I broke free of the 400's.  I am still looking for 398 because somehow that number is more real to me than 399. Still, 399 makes for a very nice weigh in. I love the way people react when my Mom and Dad tell them I broke 400. Today I have to go pick up an in home monitor that is going to check my oxygen levels at night to see if I can get rid of the night time oxygen. Fingers crossed. I don't know if I was nervous about the birthday celebration happening 3 States away, or what but I had the worst case of munchies I've had in awhile. I finally went to bed early to make them go away.

Connie's 21

08/27/12 - 399lbs   Today Connie turns 21. Today she becomes my best friend. I always told her we could be friends when she grew up, the day is finally here. My daughter has brought me more joy than I could ever have imagined.She forced me to grow up, She has challenged me at every turn, and she has filled my life with laughter. I am so glad that God gave her to me. Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!  I love you more than anything!!

Sunday

08/26/12 -400lbs    I can't believe that very early tomorrow morning my daughter turns 21. I have always heard that time flies, boy does it. As your living the day to day grind, time seems to move very slowly. Then as I think back, it's amazing how fast that 21 years went.  More on that tomorrow. 
    I don't really have a lot to say today. So Be thankful for what you have you never know when it's going to be gone.

Football

08/25/12 - 403lbs.  It's football season. This is me doing the happy dance. I love football. It's part of my family history, my dad coached for 35 years, and my brother played through college. I grew up with football as part of my everyday life. I can't quote stats, and I don't know every player who has ever played, like baseball fans, but I love the game. I love watching them catch a beautiful pass, or make an amazing run, I cringe when the quarterback gets sacked, and yell encouragement at the tv like they can hear me. I love the fact that you start the season sweating in Aug. and end the season freezing in the snow. I love the fact, that in pro football, the the championship is one game. You get one shot to get it right, Not the best of seven, Not sets and matches, Not a total of points over several races, just one game. Happy day football is here.

Life's Mysteries

08/24/12 - 403lbs   I have written about Spark People, the website I use as a tool to help me with my weight loss, well yesterday I got this flashing message it was time to update my progress so my calories and fitness min. could be adjusted. Sounded good to me, I merrily clicked away and updated everything, and then tragedy struck. For the first time ever spark People let me down. It figured my calorie range to be between 2250 and 2600. What!?! I'm trying to lose weight not gain weight. If I average out my weight loss, I am only losing about 3.5 pounds a week. I shouldn't say only, but my point is that is not an exceptional amount of weight to lose a week. I am exercising more but only about 20 min. a day. Most of that is chair dancing and chair zumba. I have already sent an sos to Drew so he can tell me what's going on.

Beeps

08/23/12  403lbs  In the basement where I spend most of my time, there are four smoke detectors. One of them is randomly beeping. but it doesn't beep in any consistent pattern. So I have spent the last two and a half days trying to figure out which one is beeping. I have eliminated one. The other three however, are kind of all in a line that from end to end only stretches about fifteen to twenty feet. so it is very hard to tell which one is beeping. of course when your standing there looking at them, they never beep. So annoying. One is easy to reach, but the other two are higher up and you need a step ladder, or stool to stand on. My mission for today is to figure out which one is beeping.

Sue

08/22/12 405lbs  I have someone who I'm very close to, who suffers from something called Sjogren's Syndrome. I have complained many times about how sore, how much pain, how miserable I am. Sue on the other hand lives in daily pain I can only imagine. Her body is attacking itself from the inside out. She has virtually no strength left in her hands, and she has rheumatoid arthritis in almost all her joints. She has has to have something to drink near her at all times because she has no moisture in her body. That means she has to watch what she eats very carefully, it could scratch her throat, burn her mouth, be to acidic and cause sores in her mouth, or just plain choke her. She has times where for no apparent reason, she suddenly starts stuttering and having trouble putting into words what she wants to say.This embarrasses and humiliates her. So she doesn't talk to anybody when that happens. My point in writing all of this is to say she handles her disease, which will never get better, with more grace and dignity than I could ever imagine. I am very blessed to have four very strong women in my life, My daughter, Connie My sister Connie, My Aunt Joyce, And My Best Friend Sue.

Getting Back To Normal

08/21/12 405lbs  Mom and Dad got home safely, after a good trip, so now it's back to normal. I did enjoy cooking though. I am going to see if once in awhile Mom will let me cook. I am happy my weight is back to where it was on Friday, that's a relief. I was starting to get a little freaked out when it kept going up.

New Meds

08/20/12 409lbs  Ever since I started taking the new medicine, I have been retaining fluid. This is really starting to freak me out. I know that it's fluid and it will come back off. that doesn't help when you know you have been eating right doing what your supposed to do as far as exercise, and you watch the scale go up. on top of all that since I have been walking up and down the driveway, my ankle has been screaming in protest. I don't know if I have strained it or it's just all the old injuries reawakening. Either way, pain is the order of the day.

Reality

08/19/12 - 406lbs  I have talked about fat flaps, the daily pain, the lack of confidence, the stares, the laughs, the comments, the kids who point, and just the daily grind of trying to move 400lbs. I am so tired and really I have nothing to say today. I am worried about my daughter, I miss my family, and this blog just doesn't seem very important today.

NSV

08/18/12 406lbs    I have been so busy doing things a little differently that I totally missed blogging this morning. I was trying to get the paper in and get my breakfast before one of my friends called and I totally blanked. Spark People has been encouraging us to focus on non scale victories (nsv). I have been trying to find those in my life, because really those are the most important ones, not just a number on a scale. Mine have been getting out of the wheelchair, walking outside, going into a real store.Small tjings to some people, but huge things for me.

Start of the Weekend

08/17/12 - 405lbs  Today I try Prozac, I'll see how that works for me. Today is also the day Mom and Dad go to Kansas. I really hope they have a safe trip, and a really good time. I know how much they enjoy seeing everybody. While they're gone, I'm in charge of getting the paper in and checking the mail. Today there is no paper out there, either Mom and Dad already got it, or our neighborhood didn't get one. Usually when I walk, everybody's driveway still has a paper in it, but not today. I have stalled long enough, time to get this day started.

Weekend Challenges

08/16/12 -406lbs  So today is basically the start of the weekend for me. I have my 2 Dr. appointments, I'm going to go into a grocery store for the first time in almost a year, Mom and Dad leave tomorrow for Kansas, so I get to cook a little. This is the biggest weekend I have had in a long time. I am looking forward to it. I am glad that Mom and Dad feel good enough about leaving me to go for 4 days. maybe by Christmas we will be up to a couple of weeks, or at least a week to ten days
     While they are gone, I will be getting the newspaper in, checking the mail, and taking out the trash. These will all be new things for me, and I can't wait to try. I know I can walk to end of the driveway, and to the mailbox because I have been doing it. Bending over to pick up the paper might be funny to watch, but I will figure it out. So I am nervous, and excited all at the same time. the truth in that statement is that on the inside I am a nervous wreck. But it will be okay, it always is.

Music

08/15/12 - 408lbs  As I write this I'm listening to Christmas music and wishing it was winter. Christmas music and old R & B are my two favorite kinds of music. My daughter must have inherited my off beat music tastes because she was born in the early 90's and loves 80's music. Go figure. There is something about music that touches me inside. It can be a warm hug, a comforting blanket, or an energizer. Music is one of the few things I feel. I can feel happy listening to music, I can feel safe, I seem to have a soundtrack in my head that is attached too my memories. I wonder why?

Attainable Goals

08/14/12 -408lbs.  Yesterday I officially lost 100 pounds since I went into the the hospital at the end of March. Instead of being happy about losing 100 pounds, all I could think of is 219 I have to go. I have always known I could lose 100 pounds I have done it before. What I have never done before is lose 319 pounds. I keep watching the biggest loser and I have already lost more weight than some of those people. Even there, no one has lost three hundred pounds or more. I'm really scared that I can't do this. Spark People talk about attainable goals, and now I'm not sure this is attainable. It's that whole fear of failing thing, and when I get scared I just stop trying. This is not good. I have to figure out how to break this cycle.

Weeks Schedule

08/13/12 - 409lbs.  Well, it's Monday again. Time for my virtual weigh in on Spark People, on Thursday I have 2 Dr. appointments, Drew and Dr. O'Brian. On Friday Mom and Dad leave for Kansas. It will be an interesting week. I skipped my after breakfast walk, I don't feel real well. If I feel better after lunch, I will pick it up there. I am just so tired. I just want to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep during the day though because that is all I used to do. when I feel like this, I get worried that I'm going back to where I was when I moved here.

Skype

08/12/12  - 410lbs  I Skyped for the first time yesterday, and it was really cool to see the kids. What wasn't cool was the way I looked. I have to say, with my talent for avoiding mirrors, it's always a nasty surprise when I unexpectedly come across my reflection. I guess in my head 99 pounds translates to big changes that can be seen. But as I looked at myself on my computer I realized that nope I still look horrible. I wish I could Connie to Skype. I think it's fun.

It's Okay to Be Rude

08/11/12  410lbs    Yesterday, I wanted to prove to mom and Dad that I could get the paper in, and check the mail while their gone. So I walked down the the driveway to the mailbox. Yea me. The problem I have is that I need to stop and either lean against something, or sit down to catch my breath. Just stopping doesn't help much. It's very frustrating and embarrassing. There was a woman on Spark People, who had lost quite a bit of weight and she and her boyfriend took her 7 year old niece to the amusement park. She had promised her niece that they would ride in the front car on the roller coaster. They waited their turn and got the front car, her boyfriend sat in the second car behind them. when it came time to fasten the seat belt it wouldn't fit. So she asked the attendant if it would be ok since the safety bar did fit. He said no, and made her get out of the car. Then the attendant told her boyfriend that he couldn't move up to sit with the seven year old. The poor lady walked the walk of shame all the way to the end of the line but again the attendant refused to open the gate. so she had to walk by all those people again to walk out the other way. By this time she was in tears. If an amusement park had treated a sick or physically challenged person like that people would have been outraged but because the woman was heavy, it was acceptable. That's why I don't want to leave the house. I am so tired of ignoring people staring and pointing and making rude comments. I am so tired of trying to pretend that peoples rudeness doesn't bother me. Every step I take hurts me. Every time I have to look for a big chair it hurts me. Every time I have to stand to have my blood pressure taken  it hurts me. Dad said the other day he tried to lift 100 pound weights and he couldn't budge it. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to climb the stairs with an extra 250 pounds. Well You don't have to, I'll tell you. It hurts. it hurts your ankles, knees, and lungs.It hurts your back and your arms from trying to help pull your weight.. Yet all of us who are trying to change our lives keep getting up day after day, and doing it again and again.

Adventures at NJH

08/10/12  - 410lbs  As I have said before, I have to call in a heart survey every day. Once in a blue moon they throw a couple of extra questions in. Usually thise questions are about taking your meds or being able to afford your meds. This time however, the questions were about depression. I must not have answered them right  because I got a call from one of the nurses saying that I needed to talk to my Dr. about my depression. I really didn't think that I was all that depressed so I asked my daughter who very lovingly said," You so are". Hmm So one more thing to add to the list. On the good news front or Thankful Friday, I was very blessed yesterday to receive a bi-pap machine for free. I had looked online, and those suckers are expensive. Yesterday I skipped the zumba since I knew I would be walking a lot at NJH. I was right, I not only walked a lot, i stood a lot. They did not have friendly chairs for big people. At one point I had to push a display aside, to sit on a bed. I am doing 3 laps, 2 laps, 3 laps on my walks.

Today

08/09/12 - 412lbs.   Today I get to go back to NJH to see the nice lady about breathing machines. Woo Hoo. To say I hate days like this a huge understatement. I just hate going to these things. Today just all around sucks.

Calories

08/08/12 - 412lbs.   Well 412 used to be a happy number for me. I am quickly losing my excitement for that number. I did 2 sets of 2 laps and 1 set of three laps, 10 min. of chair zumba went up and down the stairs 3 or 4 times ate 1205 calories and gained 4 tenths of a pound. I am averaging 1266 calories a day over the last six days. My Dad's fist thought is well, eat a little less. I am not going to do that. Spark People keeps preaching that dropping your calories below 1200 is worse for your body. So because I like to eat, and because I trust Spark people, I'm sticking with my minimum calorie intake. Oh where is the magic wand that will make me a size 8 and pretty.

Looking Ahead

08/07/12  - 412lbs   I not only made it to the trashcan and back twice I did it two different times.Today I am trying for 3 sets of two. One of my biggest hopes is that as I lose more weight I will hurt less and less. The more I do, the more I hurt.I think right now for me the definition of misery is sitting sweating in all of my fat flaps, hurting from trying to change and seeing the scale stay the same even thought I didn't eat the second piece of meatloaf I REALLY wanted to eat.Then I look at the Lands End catalog and I keep thinking that someday I will be able to fit in those clothes. The L.L. Bean catalog is calling my name too.

Feeling included

08/06/12 -412lbs.  One of the most frustrating things for me is when someone calls to talk to me because they have a problem, and I can't solve it for them. I do know that they aren't calling me for-me to solve the problem, I'm not the Equalizer, but somewhere in my DNA is the fix-it gene. I want to fix all of their problems. I love the fact that they call me, it makes me feel like they trust me. I wouldn't change that for the world. I love to feel included, when a friend calls me to talk over a problem makes me feel included.  My goal for today is to walk to the trashcans and back outside,

Tears

08/05/12 -413lbs    This is one of those days where I really have nothing to say. I have done a really good job so far on this journey, Not perfect, but really good. But it seems like I am always one sad moment away from tears. For years I never cried, now I cry at commercials! it's ridiculous! I don't understand what the heck is going on. I think I preferred not crying to being a blubbering baby.

Happy Numbers

08/04/12 - 412lbs  Wow, it's 4/12 today and that what I weigh. I don't have any idea why that number makes me so happy but it does. Maybe because that means I'm finally close to getting out of the 400's I don't know. I just know that 412 made me smile. If I was smaller I would have done a happy dance, but at my size I would have hurt myself so I did one on the inside. Now I want to see 398 that is my next happy number. One of my other happy numbers is coming up at the end of the month. On the 27th my daughter turns 21. that makes me happy too. Maybe by then I will have reached 398 that would be awesome!!

Sizes

08/03/12 -414lbs  I am going to start taking my picture every month so I can see  the changes (if there are any) I think that will help me see the progress I'm making. Right now it's hard to see any progress when I have lost nearly a hundred pounds and I'm still wearing the exact same size clothes. DEPRESSING! I have lost a hundred pounds before and the exact same thing happened. One of my fears is that my body does not want to change size. I know it sounds stupid, as I write it I think how dumb is that? The reality is though that I don't change sizes easily or often. Well I go up pretty easily, just not down. Some of my friends have clothes in three sizes in their closets. That is a concept that is totally foreign to me. I barely own enough clothes for a week, let alone clothes that don't fit. Well we'll see what happens.

Scattered Thoughts

08/02/12 - 413lbs    Still waiting on blood test results....have I said lately how much I hate Dr's. Man, Drew was tough this week giving me a lot of challenges. I hope I can remember them all. I wish I could explain things the way Connie Rose does. She cracks me up the way she can tell a story She makes everything funny, and then wonders why everybody is laughing. She has so many talents I get very jealous.

Olympics

08/01/12 -414lbs   Like  a lot of people, I have become an Olympic junkie. I normally don't watch sports other than football. There is something about watching all these young people who have sacrificed so much to get to compete with the best of the best. This is so far removed from my own personality. I am the least competitive person I know. Winning or being the best just doesn't mean anything to me. I always feel bad for those who lose, especially those who lose by only this much. The heartbreak on their faces always makes me want to tell them to hold their heads up. It seems to take them awhile to realize that they still have accomplished something awesome. I don't have the military mindset of 1st place and 1st loser. I think that being number 2 in the world is something to be proud of.

Easy Answers?

07/31/12 - 415lbs   There are a lot of days when I just don't feel like moving. I know these are the days that it's the most important for me to move,but that doesn't make it any easier. I realized the other day that when I was at the Dr.'s office and everybody was so happy about my weight loss, that I was happy because they were happy, not that I was happy for myself. What really bothers me is  if I had a friend tell me they had lost 90 lbs. I would be excited for them. Why can't I be excited for myself? Why can I be such a good friend/supporter to somebody else but not to myself? I Can feel sadness, loneliness, anger, even emptiness, so why can't I feel happiness with myself? My mom says I frown a lot, and I accuse my daughter of being a pit of negativity. I don't realize I'm frowning. Did  Connie get her negativity from me? Are there ever any easy answers?

Doctors

07/30/12 - 417lbs   Have I said lately how much I hate Dr's. Mine is screwing around with my medicine and I gain 3 three pounds in two days, and then never calls in the one prescription I'm out of. this was after I told the nurse and him a that I was OUT of the medicine and I absolutely had to have a refill. They called me at home and said they only wanted to fill it for one month but that they would send it over to the pharmacy. Did that happen? NO OF COURSE NOT. I am SO ANGRY. If I overeat and gain weight that's one thing, I can only get pissed at myself, but I'm not overeating, yesterday I ate 1427 calories. I HATE DR's!

What Ifs?

07/29/12 -  415lbs    One of the biggest parts of this journey is learning how to beat the demons. There are the ones that say eat more it will be okay, snack on this just a little won't hurt, (that's a super duper dangerous one, I can eat anything in moderation as long as I am eating whats good for me 80% of the time.) The demons version of a little bit and a healthy serving size are vastly different.Then there are the what if's demons. What if you never lose all the weight? What if you lose the weight and you still can't move around because of your ankles? What if you lose all the weight and your anxiety kicks in and you still don't leave the house? What if  you put all this weight all back on? What if I never learn how to tell these demons to go to hell?

Happy Lungs Happy Kidneys

07/28/12 - 414lbs.   I got my blood test results back yesterday. First, why is it when the news isn't perfect, it's the Dr.that calls? Second, why do they always start with the good news? That implies that that there is bad news, and I would rather get that news first and deal with it. Turns out that my kidneys are getting dried out from the diuretics I'm on. All I need to do cut 2 of my medicines in half for the next few days and get another blood test. He doesn't think it's the beginning of kidney disease and that's good. It also means that I'm not retaining as much fluid as I used to and that's even better. So the trick now is to find the right balance of medicine that keeps both my lungs and my kidneys happy. My hardest job is trying to split this one pill in half lol.

Cheerng Section

07/27/12 - 416lbs      I went to my Dr.'s appointment yesterday and my nurse practitioner popped in and raved about how much weight I have lost. Then Drew popped in laughing and told me Mary was running around the office telling everybody that she had this patient who had lost 90 pounds since March. It was really cool to be the person they were talking about, but it really seemed surreal. When I got home and told my Mom, her response was typical Mom,"well it's do or die." Kind of a bummer after all the enthusiasm at the office. On the other hand, I will never get a big head as long as Mom is around.

Happy Birthday Mom

07/26/12 - 415lbs  Happy Birthday Mom! Today I get to see a Dr. but not my regular nurse practitioner. When I made the appointment they gave me to somebody new.This could be a good thing, because my normal lady isn't the most proactive or aggressive person practicing medicine. She brings a whole new meaning to laid back. So seeing somebody new might be a good thing, but it's definitely a nerve wracking thing. The 4 day trip to Kansas is getting closer and closer so the nerves are starting in about that. I know I can do it, I'm just scared I won't. I have got to figure out a way to stop worrying all the time. It can't be good for me.

Long Roads

07/25/12 -415lbs  This morning I feel like there is no hope for success. I look at at the number 415 and it is so big. I know it's a long way from 505, but it's further away from 190. I haven't even lost a hundred pounds yet and I still have 225 pounds to go.I would give anything to be one of those people who have 20 pounds to lose. it's so hard to move when my hip or knee or back is killing me. I want to do so many things, but I don't have enough stamina to go into a store and buy my Mom a birthday card. She deserves so much more than that, but I can't even do that.

Challenge 1

07/24/12 - 416lbs  Yesterday, I posted about two of the challenges the chair team leaders came up with for us this week. The first one was to stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself to find something you loved about yourself. Some people found this very easy to do, but most of us really struggled with it. I know I had a really hard time with this. I don't like what I see in the mirror. I am surprised every time I catch a glimpse of myself. I can be really feeling god that day, thinking I look nice and then, wham, I see a reflection of myself somewhere. In my head I'm fat, but not this fat. I know we are supposed to focus on non-scale victories rather than a number on a little screen, but really? I am doing two sets of two stairs in my forty five minute workout. Mom and Dad feel confident enough to go away for 4 days in Aug. and Sept.. As happy as I am about those things, it doesn't eliminate the shock when you catch a glimpse at yourself. I can't seem to wrap my head around loving something that is this big. I know I'm a good person, and there is a lot about myself that I wouldn't change. Having said that, there is almost nothing on the outside I want to keep. When you're working to change yourself and you know it's a going to be a long journey, how do I learn to love myself, when I can't look at myself?

Fear of Failure

07/23/12 - 416 lbs.  I am writing this post for the second time today, my computer ate my first one. I belong to an online community called Spark People that is geared towards a healthy fit life. One of the teams I belong to is the chair exercise team. Of all my teams I'm on, by far this one is the best at keeping us challenged to move in different ways and tracking what we do. The two leaders of this team must spend hours findings us resources, and coming up with different challenges. Yesterday they came up with 2 new challenges. the first one we will talk about some other day. the second one was to thank somebody who makes a difference in your life in some significant way. I thought that was a really good idea so I posted a thank you on one of their Spark pages. Well I got a message back thank me but also thanking me that she had a feeling I was asking for help. I was shocked! As I wrote her back, I realized that I am terrified that I am going to fail. My dinner was done first last night so I started eating. Naturally I finished first. As I sat there watching mom and dad eat their dinner I realized I could still have eaten both of the portions on their plate and then have dessert. I have been doing this since March and I'm still one bite away from a binge. Considering that I have never been successful at anything I do that really terrifies me. This journey is a journey to change my life, and it is going to take a very long time. I know there will be bumps in the road, but I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. I really really want to get to a weight and fitness level that I can live the 80/20 rule. 80% healthy living 20% indulgence. That way on Holiday's or Super Bowl Sunday I don't fell bad about easting something in moderation.
  I really only know this, I really really am scared I'm going to fail. I'm going to quit today, but I'm scared I'm going to fail.

Adventures with Advil

07/22/12 - 418lbs   I haven't made a comment on my weight in weeks. I wanted to stop focusing so much on what the number that day was. For the most part I would say this hasn't worked for me because I do look at that number every day. It's always in the back of my mind.I skipped my meds the night of my sleep study for obvious reasons, and I gained two pounds the next day. I kept on  keeping on and lowered my calorie count slightly the nest day. It took two days, but I lost the two pounds again. So last night when I went to bed I knew I had done a really good job of managing everything that day. I had done two sets of stairs twice and I was really happy with that. I had skipped the pancakes and sausage for supper and had my turkey sandwich instead. So I knew I had had a good day....right up until the moment my back started hurting. Now the term hurting does nothing to describe the agony I was in. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and I had to use the bathroom bad! I made it to the bathroom and another wave of pain hit. It literally took me fifteen minutes to get back to bed. Sooo I made the choice to take some advil. It worked the pain went away enough so that I got a little sleep. The pain started to come back around 3:30 this morning so I took some more. The end result? I gained almost 2 pounds.

The Biggest Loser

07/21/12 -417lbs  It's the weekend. It's funny how even if you're not working you look forward to the weekend. I have been watching seasons 1-3 of the biggest loser. I think they have the advantage of having a personal trainer and being pushed beyond normal limits, but I think I have the advantage of learning to do this in the real world. We have company over, I can't always control what I eat, but I do learn how to eat in moderation. I have had so many people tell me they wish I could go to the ranch. I understand that they are wishing an opportunity for better health on me, but at the same time I want to learn to be successful here. I also don't have a competitive bone in my body and I would hate to try to decide who deserved to stay and who didn't.

Apology

0720/12 -  419lbs    So today I'm going to apologize for a couple of my last posts. I do not apologize for saying what I said, I meant every word and more. I do however, apologize for the way I said it. Looking at them again, the language I used was not the best choice. I'm sorry. It has been a very rough week, not only with the sleep study, but it seems all of my friends are super busy with their own lives right now. I totally get it, it just sucks especially when this is the week i could really use someone to talk to.

Hell

07/19/12 - 420lbs  It's over, it was hell and I will never do another one with out medication!

Whats Normal?

07/18/12 -417lbs     Well I didn't die and unless a miracle happens between now and 8:30 pm I get to enter the gates of hell and do this damn sleep study. My doctor wont prescribe anything but she doesn't want to interfere with the sleep study. Who cares if I'm crying nonstop, or throwing up after every meal, so long as there isn't any interference with the sleep study. I know normal is different for everybody, but is this anything close to normal? Am I fucking crazy? I have no idea any more what anything close to normal looks like. 20 -30 wires attached to you, 2 straps around you, and a camera watching you all night is normal? But anti anxiety medicine would screw up normal results. How is any of this normal? Strange bed, Strange routine. enough wires to build a tension bridge, cameras and people watching you, none of that will result in a abnormal test result, but something to help you stop crying and throwing up? Well, that would just screw up the test. As far as I'm concerned the ENTIRE medical community can go to hell.

Sleep Study

07/17/12 - 471lbs         So I found out yesterday that I have to have my sleep study done Wed. night. I cannot begin to explain how much I do not want to do this study. They are horrible! There are wires and bands everywhere on you, you are watched all night long, they want you to sleep on your back and I can't breath on my back. I sooooooo don't want to do this. I really would rather die than go through another sleep study .Nobody understands how bad it is. They turn the lights out at nine thirty and expect you to fall asleep. I'm lucky if I can fall asleep before midnight. Every time you have to go the bathroom you have to ask them to unplug you..... I go five to nine times a night. Please God let me die and not have to do this.  what's really sad is that I mean every word I just wrote. I can't see it because I'm crying to hard, but I really would rather give up life than do this stupid sleep study.

Working Through the Pain

07/16/12 - 417lbs  So after a very blue day yesterday, today everybody seems to be in a little better mood. Everybody I talked to yesterday was having an off day. I am so tired of being hot and sweaty in places other people never seat. I am trying to figure out how much weight I have to lose before my thighs see the light of day again. This just one of those days where I am tired of being layers  on top of  layers of fat. I know I am more than that, but it doesn't feel like it. The more I try to do, the more pain I'm in. It's not little aches it's pain. I have had the same back pain for over 7 weeks. It gets so bad at night I'm crying. This shit will take your breathe away it hurts so bad. Ok I'm done bitching.

Random Thoughts

07/15/12 -420lbs  I really don't have much to say today. We said good bye to Jen and the Boys this morning. It was nice to see them after so long. I guess I'm a little depressed today. Having to say good bye always sucks and I have done A LOT  of that in the last 6 months. Even thought I'm going upstairs more now, my breathing seems to be getting worse. I seem to be having more and more random pain. I really don't know whats going on. oh well today is not the day I quit.

Camp

07/14/12  - 421lbs.  Today Jen and the boys come back. They will be here until tomorrow, then they have have to get back to Kansas so the boys can go to science camp. I remember one day camp I went to when I was their age was art camp. Now I have zero talent but Miss Fair was the teacher, and she was so awesome. She let us play with clay! It was so cool. I wanted to make a turtle votive holder soooo bad and she helped me. It exploded so many times in the Kiln, I think it took us four tries. I had that turtle for years. Miss Fair was one of the adults who really seemed to enjoy being around me. She always made me feel so good about myself. She taught me to love reading, and that in art class purple peas are fun and interesting lol. I hope the boys have as much fun in science camp. Jen and Andrew have been unwavering in their support and belief that I can accomplish my life change.

Pain

07/13/12 - 421lbs. Ouch!!! Followed immediately by the thought, I'm going to throw up. That was was me this morning at 1:48. I have no idea what or how I hurt my hip/thigh, but whatever I did, My leg did not appreciate it. So with sharp shooting pain going through my leg, I sat on the edge of the bed trying to breathe. Now a normal person would take something for the pain, not me. I waited til after I got on the scale this morning before I took something. I didn't want to retain any more fluid before I got on the scale.

Nerves?

07/12/12 - 421lbs  It's amazing when you don't feel good, how difficult everything is. I can normally get ready eat breakfast and do my daily heart survey in less than 45 min. today it took me an hour and 20 minutes. So today is therapy day, always nerve wracking. I don't really know why I get all twisted in knots every time I have an appointment, but no matter how many times I go, I do. I don't know whats wrong with me today.

A Victory

07/11/12 - 421lbs. So, weird dreams, different reactions than what I expected, super generous friends,and success being on my own for 2 days. It has been an interesting 48 hours. I have found that I'm not used to the silence and the emptiness anymore. It was good to experience it again. I found that I could resist the call of the Kitchen, but it was a challenge. I'm really glad that Mom and Dad had the opportunity to get away for a day. Even though it has been a week filled with challenges and changed routines, and had the potential to go very very wrong, it went much better than I expected. I lost 6 pounds in seven days, and i'm very happy about that. I haven't had that much success in a while.

Filled with Anxiety

07/10/2012 - 421lbs.  I really wish that fear and anxiety wouldn't rule my life. It seems like a large percentage of my life  is taken up with anxiety, and I know this, but I can't stop it. My sleep Doctor told me I needed to do something about it. Easy to say, but really? What am I supposed to do.? On a totally different topic, today is day two of being on my own. So far so good, but it's still early in the day. I have been going up and down the stairs 3-6 times a day. I'm really proud of that.

Independance

07/09/12 - 422lbs.   Well today is a big day. the second set of company comes and then Mom and Dad are going to Breckenridge til Wednesday. So this will be my first test of being on my own. I am nervous but I really want to prove to myself and everybody else that I can do it. Say a prayer I know I will be.

It's My Birthday.

07/08/12 - 422lbs    It's my Birthday!!! I am officially old. But I kept my weight under control, and I'm very happy about that. I wish Connie Rose could have been here. It always amazes me how much I miss her. But other than that I had a great day. I went up and down the stairs 6 times yesterday. So far today I have gone up and down 4. Making progress! I think on that note I'm going stop for the day.

Friends

07/07/12  - 422lbs  Yesterday I felt like a second class citizen, today I decided enough is enough. It's hard when you are having a bad day, and your best friend is to busy to talk. (not you Sue) Your other best friend is having a horrible day herself, and your daughter is also having a down day.  The lesson here is to pick yourself up and give yourself a good shake and keep going. Today we are celebrating my birthday. I think I chose the wrong dessert. It is a first time recipe for us, although it had great reviews online. As Mom was making it we decided that the recipe needed tweaking. So we modified the crust quite a bit. We'll see how it tastes. Mom doesn't think the boys will eat it at all.

Life Sucks

07/06/12     So I went to the Dr. and it sucked. On the way there, I found out that not only was everybody (but me) going bowling this afternoon, but they were also going to an Italian Restaurant after. My Mom cheerfully announces that I have nothing to worry about, there are plenty of leftovers I can have for dinner. Now, I actually really like leftovers most of the time, but gee, I also really like Italian food. After we got home, my brother says that there are usually leftovers from the boys and I can have some of that? Okay I get that I'm a bitch today, but can somebody please tell me why I am suddenly only worth leftovers? My Dad's only comment was well Lisa you did this to yourself. I know he's right but that does not make it suck any less!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to throw something or tell the whole world to go to hell.

Dr.'s

07/06/12  - 423lbs   Well It's Friday again, only today I have my Dr appointment with my sleep Dr for the first time. I am so scared I could puke. I hate going to Dr.'s they never have good news. they just scare me. I've had Dr's tell me the only way I'm going to lose this weight is to have surgery and even then I would probably put it back on. I've had them tell me I should not eat carbs or any food that's white. What? That's a balanced diet. I hate waiting room chairs, I just hate the unknown. here goes nothing.

Blank mind

07/05/12 - 424lbs  I really don't have much to say today. Have a good day.

The 4th Part 2

07/04/12  Part 2  So once again I smile and wave goodby as everybody goes off to have a good time. I mean sure I can walk to the fireworks, not. Once again I am on the outside looking in. I am so tired of that. I know that is one of the things  I'm working on, but that doesn't help right now. It sucks to constantly sit at home while everybody else does fun stuff. Is that anybody other than me fault? Nope it's all my doing. I am the one that ate myself up to 505 lbs. Am I working on changing yes! Does that help me at all right now? Not one little bit.But tonight is not the night I quit!

4th Of July

07/04/12 424lbs.   Happy 4th Of July. Well C-day has arrived, it's T minus seven hours till touchdown. It was another sleepless night, I wish I knew what caused the itching. I'm pretty convinced it's anxiety related because nothing gets rid of it. So I'm stressed out, tired, and pretty grumpy. I know I should explore all of those feelings but quite frankly, I'm tired, grumpy and it's the Fourth of July. Happy Birthday America. God Bless All of the Men and Women Who are Serving or Have Served Our Country! Thank You doesn't seem like enough.

Lifes' Hurdles

0703/12  425lbs  I just want to say again, that I have the best friends and family in the world. They are not afraid to kick my butt when I'm slacking, they cheer me on daily, and sometimes hourly, they have an wavering faith that I can do this. When Sue read my blog she googled mapped my Dr,s office so I could see the layout and have some clue as what it looked like. So that is one less thing  I have to worry about. Tomorrow is the big day. The crew will be here sometime around dinnertime.again, if I think about it to much I will start hyperventilating. Unfortunately there is no google cure for that anxiety. Oh well, this journey is all about learning different coping skills for life's hurdles.

Anxiety

0702/12 - 425lbs   The major case of nerves I have been having has turned into a full fledged anxiety attack. I feel sick to my stomach, (I need grammer check) I can't catch my breath, I'm dizzy, it's crazy. I'm fine unless I start thinking about the Dr's appointment. This is just stacking up to be a bad week, my Mom is on her way to her Dr. to get her looked at finally. If the Dr. tells her not to use it she is going to have a fit. She has to many things on her list that aren't done yet. As the the saying goes....If Momma ain't Happy ain't nobody Happy. She looks forward to these visits and wants everything to be perfect. So I have to get my anxiety under control, we can't have two freaked out women in the same house.

Skipping Lunch

07/01/12 - 427lbs.  So, my assignment from Drew was to skip my noontime meal and describe what hunger feels like. Umm, I have to say I didn't really experience all that much. I had a little panic at 10:30 this morning when I decided to do this, but other than that I experienced very little. My stomach had a small ache and a few rumbles, I burped a couple of times and that is about it. Pretty anti climatic all in all. The important part to me is that I did follow through with my assignment. So the company countdown continues, as well as my Mom's swollen arm.(She has finally decided to call a Dr. tomorrow morning) I have major nerves about this week, company coming, a new Dr. I have to go see, and my birthday. This is going to be a hard week.

Company Coming

06/30/12 - 428  It's a beautiful Saturday morning, and everybody in the house is in "get ready for company" mode. Now I have to say, my Mom and Dad's house is spotless all of the time. Getting ready for Company Mode means cleaning the old wax build up off of the tables and banister. I didn't even know there was wax build up on there lol. Of course my Dad's back is hurting because he is out painting in 96 degree weather, and my Mom's arm is swollen and hurting, and she doesn't want to get it checked. Will they let me do anything to help? Nope. So I sit down here and feel guilty that they are upstairs wearing themselves out. My other family is stressed out because today is moving day for them.....all eight of them,into a motorhome. They are trusting God like not very many can. Again, I am sitting here feeling guilty that I am not helping them. It's very hard to sit on the sidelines and watch friends and family struggle and not be able to help. I am so much better than I was, but I have so far to go and I still depend on everybody for so much. It's hard to not get discouraged.But today is not the day I quit.

Feelings Part 2

06/29/12 -426lbs  I am sort of continuing with what I said yesterday. Ii am so much more mobile now than I was in March. I hope that by October I will be able to get around well enough so I can leave the house. I have found that not leaving the house, seems to make me more sensitive. I get angry when I get leftovers and others go out to eat. My brain understands that going out to eat is a well deserved treat. I understand that my choices are what got me in this predicament in the first place. I understand that I am not being left out. What I don't  understand is why I'm so angry or hurt? The real kicker is when I cook for myself I cook big on the weekend and eat leftovers all week because I like them. This anger and hurt seems to come out of nowhere sometimes and I wish I knew what to do with it. On top of my hyper sensitivity my Mom asked me if I was going to be able to handle the food while they are in Breckenridge. I told her I was 98% sure I would be okay. I'm more worried about all the trips up and down the stairs than I am about the food, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am a little concerned about the food. I also know however that If I blow it, the person I'm hurting the most is me.


P.S. It's Thankful Friday, and I have been blessed with the best friends and family ever!!

Feelings

06/28/12 - 427lbs.  Sitting here thinking about what I feel and trying to identify those emotions isn't easy for me. Since I"m used to eating those emotions away, I have trouble figuring out what is sadness, anger, and fear. They all kind of blend together in my mind, so I'm trying to learn to separate the differences between them. I'm saying this because my birthday is coming up in 10 days, my brother, sister-in-law, and 3 nephews, are coming for a visit, and a childhood friend of my mothers, and her family are also coming. With all of that happening I'm going to be facing a whole new set of challenges, not to mention facing people I have not seen in years. (and many pounds) In my head I know it's unreasonable to be angry and yet that is what this feels like. I am also scared. I am scared about they all are going to think, I am scared about what I'm going to eat, I am scared that people are going to feel sorry for me, or pity me. I'm scared that they are going to tell Mom and Dad this is to much for them. I'm scared they are going to want to put me in a nursing home. I am scared that when everybody goes to Breckenridge I'm going to blow their trust.I also think that all of that fear makes me angry. For so many years I have almost ignored my Birthday, but this year I kind of wanted to celebrate it. With the stress of all the company coming at the same time as my birthday I kind of think my birthday is going to take a backseat. In the grand scheme of things I am okay with that, it is the fact that nobody asked me, I  think that hurts my feelings more than anything. This is hard.


P.S. Drew- How is this for figuring out my feelings?

Want some Cheese with that Whine?

06/27/12 - 428lbs.  I am tired today, I didn't sleep well and I'm sore. It's nothing huge, just general stiffness and dull pains all over. So I am going to whine today. Lol. I am doing this marching challenge for 5 weeks, and it really isn't to bad I only have to march for a little over 3 min. The kicker is I don't have the stamina to stand and march for 3 min. but when I try to sit and march my fat flap is so heavy I can't lift my knees. So I end up kicking instead, now I'm sure that's better than nothing, but, it's not marching. Marching involves a different set of muscles doesn't it? I am really struggling to love myself and my fat today, I'm pretty angry at both myself and my fat right now. I feel like this weight loss task is an impossible one, and I am going to battle this for the rest of my life and I don't know if I can do this forever. Today however, is not the day I quit!

Todays' Mantra

06/26/12 - 429lbs. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says.

Falling down the Rabbit Hole

06/25/12 - 428lbs. New number, good. I keep reading how I am not supposed to be defined by the number on the scale, and I don't understand that. If we are not defined by it, why do we care so much about what the number is?  Some people only weigh themselves at the doctor, some once a week, others everyday. I had a weight watchers instructor  that weighed every piece of clothing including her underwear, and kept the scale right next to her bed. I know it's just a number, and I know it's changing, but it feels like it's ruling my life. I feel like I'm trading food addiction for weight loss addiction. I want to addiction free, healthy, and happy. I feel like Alice when she falls down the rabbit hole....an endless cycle of going around and around. I know that's a terrible analogy and doesn't make sense to anybody but me, but it's how I feel.

Waka Waka

1. 06/24/12 - 429lbs  Back here again. I have fallen in love with with this video on you tube that's a zumba chair exercise video. Waka Waka is so much fun, I have no idea what the song is saying, but you have to move when you hear it. Unfortunately it's the only one like that I can find. All the others just seem lame in comparison. So now I'm searching for a chair zumba video. Maybe I can find something similar with some really upbeat music. I'm still trying to learn to love my fat...not there yet, but I'm trying. I made it upstairs yesterday twice once for dinner and once for supper. I want Mom and Dad to be able to go visit Andrew in August, so I have to show them that I can get around the house okay. Time to zumba.

Not Getting Derailed

06/23/12 -431lbs  Holy cow I'm hating that number. The harder I work at never seeing it again, the more I see it. Weekends used to be fun. They were a time to do something different, see different people, go somewhere different. Now, they are just the same as every other day. It's a little bit sad. Hmmmm.......I seem to be grumpier than I thought I was. Not good, I can't let the scale rule my life like that, it's to easy to get derailed. So it's back to Waka Waka and walking my laps.

Feeding the Hungry Heart

06/22/12 - 429lbs   Better than yesterday. I got the book I ordered yesterday, Feeding the Hungry Heart. It's the best description of an eating binge I have ever seen. the feeling of being compelled to eat "forbidden" foods until it hurts, and than eating some more. I am at the part of the book that teaches you how to make friends with your fat, not an easy thing to do to something you have spent 35 years hating. I created the fat to protect myself from something, and it did it;s job. Now I have to figure out what I needed protection from and face it so the fat can go away, and stay gone.Yeah, this makes chair zumba seem easy. It's Thankful Friday, so I am Thankful I finally seem to have some of the tools I need for this journey. Plus my Mom and Dads' 51st Anniversary is this weekend. That is something at my age I will never accomplish. Way  to go Mom and Dad!

Mountains

06/21/12 - 431lbs.  Isn't that number great....not. Yesterday I got more exercise and ate fewer calories than normal and I gained a 1 1/2lb. Fun. This is what makes this journey interesting. I can get mad, and I am, I can get depressed,which I'm not, or I can keep fighting this battle, which I will. Yesterday my therapist told he he got up at 4am. to go for a mountain run. Now there is a sentence that will never come out of my mouth lol. I mean really, 4am? Mountain run? I can't even picture myself trying to go for a walk in the mountains. Oh well, to each his own, I will keep trying to master chair zumba. The only mountains I want to conquer right now are the scale and my health. The Rockies are safe for the time being.

Summers Here!

06/20/12 - 429lbs  First day of summer, not that it matters much down here in the basement. Seasons stay pretty much the same. Today is Therapy day, always stressful. I always feel like I'm waiting for judgement to be passed. That's why I hate Dr.s and Dentists too. I always feel like I don't measure up.It's always stressful with Mom and Dad too, their fussing and trying to help,but usually not when I need it lol. Oh well onward and upward.

Back on Track

06/19/12 - 431lbs.  Well, that's a little better. Yesterday I got to go upstairs to eat and I could exercise again. I ordered the book Feeding the Hungry Heart to help get a grip on some of these food issues. I hope it helps me as much as I've heard it helps others like me. we will see. I am trying to put the work in so this is the LAST time I have to do this. Maintenance is one thing, battling for every pound is another.We'll see what happens.

Nothing to Say

06/18/12 - 432lbs Well....not lovin that number lol.  Yesterday was pizza day and the basement had a lot of people in it, so I didn't get to exercise as much as I normally do.

First Steps

06/17/12 - 431lbs  Yesterday, was a big day. I got out of the wheelchair and onto the love seat, and went upstairs to eat dinner. Firsts steps to freedom. I finally feel like I'm making progress. next step go up and down often enough so that Mom and Dad can go out of town. With all of this progress there are still many challenges. Why is it that no matter how often you shower, no matter how much deodorant you use, you always smell.

????

06/16/12 - 431lbs   I honestly don't know what to say. Yesterday was a non food issue tough day, but I lost a little over three lbs. I can not figure out why my body loses weight the way it does. I'm confused.

Looking In a Mirror

06/15/12 -435lbs  I was Talking to friend the other day, and the subject of mirrors came up. She hates them because she is trying very hard to gain weight and she doesn't like looking like a skeleton. I hate them because I can't stand they way my fat flap looks. One side hangs down longer than the other, and no matter what I put on, nothing looks good. So many times I have wished I could just cut it off. It hinders how I move, it stinks, it gets raw and hurts, I can't think of one positive thing to say about it. I will say a positive thing about friends though, since it's Thankful Friday. Friends are so awesome they push you, challenge you, lift you up, and carry you depending on what you need. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I have rock!

Walking, Walking, Walking

06/14/12 - 435lbs  Yesterday was a good day. I woke up with some energy, and read in Spark People that when you exercise you have to push yourself. Know, I knew that in my head, but when I'm walking my little trek every hour I didn't want to hear that. So yesterday I walked every half hour, faithfully. I even climbed the stairs for an important phone call.So I was feeling really good about what I accomplished yesterday right up until the moment that I looked at the scale this morning and had gained 5/10ths of a lb. There went my energy and motivation right out the window. So.......today's goal is to walk and not care what the scale says.

I'm Sorry What Size?

06/13/12 -435 lbs. I was thinking this morning that I have lost 75lbs.and I am pretty happy with that, I wish it was more but, oh well. But really, how much weight do I have to lose before I change sizes. I am still wearing the 500lb. clothes. I was talking to a friend of mine about clothes shopping the other day, and I told her the only way I can get clothes to fit is to order online. they don't carry clothes in my size in stores. Forget about what is stylish or looks good, as my mom said, small tent is small tent. It would be nice if the small tent would get a little smaller once in awhile.I found a pretty good weight loss web site called Sparkpeople. Check it out.

Quiet Day

06/12/12 - 435 lbs. Today seems like a pretty good day. I didn't move around as much as I should have yesterday, there were people moving around down here and so me not wanting to embarrass myself I stayed in my chair, I have got to get over that. Anyway I have already been moving around more today, so go me.

A New Day

06/11/12 - 436 lbs - I know I should be overjoyed at finally getting past 437 but honestly I'm so exhausted from all the negative energy and emotions from yesterday that I'm either numb or hungover I'm not sure which. I don't even know what to say, I am sitting here literally like a lump of coal. I have hard days before, but this one blindsided me and so I think that one was the worse yet. A friend of mine called last last night and said remember it's one step at a time and if that doesn't work, then it is minute by minute. Yesterday was definitely a minute by  minute day. I did manage to do 41/2 min. with the Senior citizen bunch yesterday. So..... today is a new day and it's onward and upward or whatever the saying is.

Hanging on,,,

06/10/12 This has been such a hard day. I have cried, gotten angry, snapped at my daughter for no good reason. Just when I think I'm  beginning to get a handle on this, I get blindsided by all these emotions. I am so tired of calorie counting, portion controlled, low fat, lean, healthy eating I could spit. And I have a very long way to go. I smell the next door neighbors bbq almost every day. I just want to scream. This is one of those days that self confidence or pride is just nowhere to be found. What I really want to do is to make the feelings go away. I want to eat unhealthy really good tasting food until I'm full. Knowing that is what got me into this mess to begin with, that obviously, is not the answer. The problem is, is that is the only way I know how to deal with all of this crap. So instead I find myself not talking to anyone so I don't offend them. I can't seem to find any answers. this just sucks so much.

I'm So Tired

06/10/12 -437lbs-Gravy, I watched the scale this morning as it was trying to decide between 436.8 and 437, guess which one won. This would be so much easier if I wasn't so tired. I have never been a great sleeper, but in the last 6 months it has gotten so much worse.I don't know if it's the medicines or what but every night just as I start to fall asleep, the itching starts. this isn't the light one scratch and you're done itch. This is the clawing at your skin for 2 hours kind of itching. By the time that episode is over your brain has kicked into high gear and sleep is imposable. It's hard enough to lose this weight 1 teaspoon at a time, but to do it on 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night is killing me. I AM SO TIRED!

It's either laugh or cry

06/09/12 - 437 Ahhhhh!!  Ok , so yesterday I had the brilliant (not) idea of finding some exercise videos I could do sitting down. I had been told by several different people that I could anything on you tube. So I explored you tube for a little while, wow that's an entire blog in itself. I did come across yoga and stretching exercises for seniors. I thought hey, even i can do these..... 31/2 min. later I was sweating and huffing and puffing so bad I thought I needed oxygen. Meanwhile these lovely senior citizens were chatting to each other as they did these exercises with a smile on their faces. the one lady in the wheelchair looked like she could have run the Boston Marathon. I mean really!!! Am I going back to do it again, you bet I have to try to keep up with this bunch.

Thankful Friday

06/08/12 - 437  I have decided that I'm going to start having thankful Fridays. When I was working it was always great on Fridays. We got paid, the weekend was almost here, everybody was in a good mood. It's hard right now to remember how to feel happy. So, I have to work on being thankful. I have to practice being thankful for the sun, instead of complaining how hot I am. I have to remember that not to long ago I couldn't stay awake through an entire conversation. Now I can stay awake all day. I am getting better, and I am getting stronger. The scale isn't going to move every day, but it doesn't say 505 any more.

And the grind goes on...

06/07/12 - 437 lbs. I guess I should be happy that the scale actually moved down. After almost a week at 438 I was beginning to think it would never move. Having said that, Really! 4 tenths of a lb? Ugh sometimes I just want to pick that freakin scale up and throw it through a window. Two weeks ago I was exercising (and I use that term loosely) more often. I lost some of my motivation and I need to get it back. I keep thinking about how my life got to this point, food is the one thing in my life that always made me feel good. If i was down it could lift me up. If I was up it celebrated with me. It is sooooo hard to replace that constant with something else. Well another day another life lesson.

New Things

06/06/12   Instead of journaling I was told I needed to start a blog. So this is my first attempt at starting a blog. I am trying to record my weight loss journey.two and a half months ago when I went into the hospital I weighed 505 lbs. Yes you read that right, since then I have lost 67 lbs. however at least half of that was fluid. Most people think that if you weigh 500 lbs.that the first 150 lbs or so would come off pretty quickly. Well that might be true for some folks but not me. Nope I get to fight this battle 1 lb. at a time. so starting tomorrow I am going to try to blog everyday about my new me new life battle.