Company Coming

06/30/12 - 428  It's a beautiful Saturday morning, and everybody in the house is in "get ready for company" mode. Now I have to say, my Mom and Dad's house is spotless all of the time. Getting ready for Company Mode means cleaning the old wax build up off of the tables and banister. I didn't even know there was wax build up on there lol. Of course my Dad's back is hurting because he is out painting in 96 degree weather, and my Mom's arm is swollen and hurting, and she doesn't want to get it checked. Will they let me do anything to help? Nope. So I sit down here and feel guilty that they are upstairs wearing themselves out. My other family is stressed out because today is moving day for them.....all eight of them,into a motorhome. They are trusting God like not very many can. Again, I am sitting here feeling guilty that I am not helping them. It's very hard to sit on the sidelines and watch friends and family struggle and not be able to help. I am so much better than I was, but I have so far to go and I still depend on everybody for so much. It's hard to not get discouraged.But today is not the day I quit.

Feelings Part 2

06/29/12 -426lbs  I am sort of continuing with what I said yesterday. Ii am so much more mobile now than I was in March. I hope that by October I will be able to get around well enough so I can leave the house. I have found that not leaving the house, seems to make me more sensitive. I get angry when I get leftovers and others go out to eat. My brain understands that going out to eat is a well deserved treat. I understand that my choices are what got me in this predicament in the first place. I understand that I am not being left out. What I don't  understand is why I'm so angry or hurt? The real kicker is when I cook for myself I cook big on the weekend and eat leftovers all week because I like them. This anger and hurt seems to come out of nowhere sometimes and I wish I knew what to do with it. On top of my hyper sensitivity my Mom asked me if I was going to be able to handle the food while they are in Breckenridge. I told her I was 98% sure I would be okay. I'm more worried about all the trips up and down the stairs than I am about the food, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am a little concerned about the food. I also know however that If I blow it, the person I'm hurting the most is me.


P.S. It's Thankful Friday, and I have been blessed with the best friends and family ever!!

Feelings

06/28/12 - 427lbs.  Sitting here thinking about what I feel and trying to identify those emotions isn't easy for me. Since I"m used to eating those emotions away, I have trouble figuring out what is sadness, anger, and fear. They all kind of blend together in my mind, so I'm trying to learn to separate the differences between them. I'm saying this because my birthday is coming up in 10 days, my brother, sister-in-law, and 3 nephews, are coming for a visit, and a childhood friend of my mothers, and her family are also coming. With all of that happening I'm going to be facing a whole new set of challenges, not to mention facing people I have not seen in years. (and many pounds) In my head I know it's unreasonable to be angry and yet that is what this feels like. I am also scared. I am scared about they all are going to think, I am scared about what I'm going to eat, I am scared that people are going to feel sorry for me, or pity me. I'm scared that they are going to tell Mom and Dad this is to much for them. I'm scared they are going to want to put me in a nursing home. I am scared that when everybody goes to Breckenridge I'm going to blow their trust.I also think that all of that fear makes me angry. For so many years I have almost ignored my Birthday, but this year I kind of wanted to celebrate it. With the stress of all the company coming at the same time as my birthday I kind of think my birthday is going to take a backseat. In the grand scheme of things I am okay with that, it is the fact that nobody asked me, I  think that hurts my feelings more than anything. This is hard.


P.S. Drew- How is this for figuring out my feelings?

Want some Cheese with that Whine?

06/27/12 - 428lbs.  I am tired today, I didn't sleep well and I'm sore. It's nothing huge, just general stiffness and dull pains all over. So I am going to whine today. Lol. I am doing this marching challenge for 5 weeks, and it really isn't to bad I only have to march for a little over 3 min. The kicker is I don't have the stamina to stand and march for 3 min. but when I try to sit and march my fat flap is so heavy I can't lift my knees. So I end up kicking instead, now I'm sure that's better than nothing, but, it's not marching. Marching involves a different set of muscles doesn't it? I am really struggling to love myself and my fat today, I'm pretty angry at both myself and my fat right now. I feel like this weight loss task is an impossible one, and I am going to battle this for the rest of my life and I don't know if I can do this forever. Today however, is not the day I quit!

Todays' Mantra

06/26/12 - 429lbs. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says. Love myself now, keep moving, track my food, track my exercise. I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says, I don't care what the scale says.

Falling down the Rabbit Hole

06/25/12 - 428lbs. New number, good. I keep reading how I am not supposed to be defined by the number on the scale, and I don't understand that. If we are not defined by it, why do we care so much about what the number is?  Some people only weigh themselves at the doctor, some once a week, others everyday. I had a weight watchers instructor  that weighed every piece of clothing including her underwear, and kept the scale right next to her bed. I know it's just a number, and I know it's changing, but it feels like it's ruling my life. I feel like I'm trading food addiction for weight loss addiction. I want to addiction free, healthy, and happy. I feel like Alice when she falls down the rabbit hole....an endless cycle of going around and around. I know that's a terrible analogy and doesn't make sense to anybody but me, but it's how I feel.

Waka Waka

1. 06/24/12 - 429lbs  Back here again. I have fallen in love with with this video on you tube that's a zumba chair exercise video. Waka Waka is so much fun, I have no idea what the song is saying, but you have to move when you hear it. Unfortunately it's the only one like that I can find. All the others just seem lame in comparison. So now I'm searching for a chair zumba video. Maybe I can find something similar with some really upbeat music. I'm still trying to learn to love my fat...not there yet, but I'm trying. I made it upstairs yesterday twice once for dinner and once for supper. I want Mom and Dad to be able to go visit Andrew in August, so I have to show them that I can get around the house okay. Time to zumba.