Attainable Goals

08/14/12 -408lbs.  Yesterday I officially lost 100 pounds since I went into the the hospital at the end of March. Instead of being happy about losing 100 pounds, all I could think of is 219 I have to go. I have always known I could lose 100 pounds I have done it before. What I have never done before is lose 319 pounds. I keep watching the biggest loser and I have already lost more weight than some of those people. Even there, no one has lost three hundred pounds or more. I'm really scared that I can't do this. Spark People talk about attainable goals, and now I'm not sure this is attainable. It's that whole fear of failing thing, and when I get scared I just stop trying. This is not good. I have to figure out how to break this cycle.

Weeks Schedule

08/13/12 - 409lbs.  Well, it's Monday again. Time for my virtual weigh in on Spark People, on Thursday I have 2 Dr. appointments, Drew and Dr. O'Brian. On Friday Mom and Dad leave for Kansas. It will be an interesting week. I skipped my after breakfast walk, I don't feel real well. If I feel better after lunch, I will pick it up there. I am just so tired. I just want to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep during the day though because that is all I used to do. when I feel like this, I get worried that I'm going back to where I was when I moved here.

Skype

08/12/12  - 410lbs  I Skyped for the first time yesterday, and it was really cool to see the kids. What wasn't cool was the way I looked. I have to say, with my talent for avoiding mirrors, it's always a nasty surprise when I unexpectedly come across my reflection. I guess in my head 99 pounds translates to big changes that can be seen. But as I looked at myself on my computer I realized that nope I still look horrible. I wish I could Connie to Skype. I think it's fun.

It's Okay to Be Rude

08/11/12  410lbs    Yesterday, I wanted to prove to mom and Dad that I could get the paper in, and check the mail while their gone. So I walked down the the driveway to the mailbox. Yea me. The problem I have is that I need to stop and either lean against something, or sit down to catch my breath. Just stopping doesn't help much. It's very frustrating and embarrassing. There was a woman on Spark People, who had lost quite a bit of weight and she and her boyfriend took her 7 year old niece to the amusement park. She had promised her niece that they would ride in the front car on the roller coaster. They waited their turn and got the front car, her boyfriend sat in the second car behind them. when it came time to fasten the seat belt it wouldn't fit. So she asked the attendant if it would be ok since the safety bar did fit. He said no, and made her get out of the car. Then the attendant told her boyfriend that he couldn't move up to sit with the seven year old. The poor lady walked the walk of shame all the way to the end of the line but again the attendant refused to open the gate. so she had to walk by all those people again to walk out the other way. By this time she was in tears. If an amusement park had treated a sick or physically challenged person like that people would have been outraged but because the woman was heavy, it was acceptable. That's why I don't want to leave the house. I am so tired of ignoring people staring and pointing and making rude comments. I am so tired of trying to pretend that peoples rudeness doesn't bother me. Every step I take hurts me. Every time I have to look for a big chair it hurts me. Every time I have to stand to have my blood pressure taken  it hurts me. Dad said the other day he tried to lift 100 pound weights and he couldn't budge it. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to climb the stairs with an extra 250 pounds. Well You don't have to, I'll tell you. It hurts. it hurts your ankles, knees, and lungs.It hurts your back and your arms from trying to help pull your weight.. Yet all of us who are trying to change our lives keep getting up day after day, and doing it again and again.

Adventures at NJH

08/10/12  - 410lbs  As I have said before, I have to call in a heart survey every day. Once in a blue moon they throw a couple of extra questions in. Usually thise questions are about taking your meds or being able to afford your meds. This time however, the questions were about depression. I must not have answered them right  because I got a call from one of the nurses saying that I needed to talk to my Dr. about my depression. I really didn't think that I was all that depressed so I asked my daughter who very lovingly said," You so are". Hmm So one more thing to add to the list. On the good news front or Thankful Friday, I was very blessed yesterday to receive a bi-pap machine for free. I had looked online, and those suckers are expensive. Yesterday I skipped the zumba since I knew I would be walking a lot at NJH. I was right, I not only walked a lot, i stood a lot. They did not have friendly chairs for big people. At one point I had to push a display aside, to sit on a bed. I am doing 3 laps, 2 laps, 3 laps on my walks.

Today

08/09/12 - 412lbs.   Today I get to go back to NJH to see the nice lady about breathing machines. Woo Hoo. To say I hate days like this a huge understatement. I just hate going to these things. Today just all around sucks.

Calories

08/08/12 - 412lbs.   Well 412 used to be a happy number for me. I am quickly losing my excitement for that number. I did 2 sets of 2 laps and 1 set of three laps, 10 min. of chair zumba went up and down the stairs 3 or 4 times ate 1205 calories and gained 4 tenths of a pound. I am averaging 1266 calories a day over the last six days. My Dad's fist thought is well, eat a little less. I am not going to do that. Spark People keeps preaching that dropping your calories below 1200 is worse for your body. So because I like to eat, and because I trust Spark people, I'm sticking with my minimum calorie intake. Oh where is the magic wand that will make me a size 8 and pretty.